Friday, April 22, 2011

The sun is out.

And it wasn't yesterday.  What a terrible day.  A terrible, shitty, awful day.  Not for any particular reason other than what was going on in my own head.  For starters, I attended my first RESOLVE meeting on Wednesday night which was bittersweet.  It was awesome getting together with all of these women who are struggling and suffering through the exact same thing I am.  They have the same feelings, the same goal, the exact same disappointments.  That part is nice.  But on the flip-side, I look around and realize that I very well may never have a baby--none of us may.  I also have a terrible fear that they ALL will and I'll be the only one left behind.  We had three women who actually were pregnant, but were staying in the group until their first trimester, proving there is hope, but fueling my jealousy.  Side note: one woman shared her journey and ended the story by telling us that she was ten weeks pregnant with twins, which was great.  But she went too far when she announced that she would be starting her own "pregnant after infertility" group and then will go on to start a "mommy with multiples" group.  Uh, what?  I mean, excuse me, but did you NOT just hear the woman sitting directly across from you crying during her story about losing both of her twins, one at 7 weeks, one at 10 weeks, just 8 days ago????  How could someone do that?  I know, without a doubt, that, should I be lucky enough to carry a child and birth it, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER gloat about it.  Never.  What a bitch.  (sorry)

I have my own guilt about my past, mistakes I've made, my situation now and how small my problem is compared to some of the issues some of these women were facing.  Multiple failed IVF's, surrogacy hopes, age, cancer...I just couldn't shake it.  So I had a pity party yesterday.  All day long.  But today is a new day.  I just got my second infusion, which I'm actually considering my first after last months bullshit, and I love the nurse who comes to my house.  He is a big queen and he helps pass the time. No aspirin and no prednisone this month, so for now, my hopes are not high.  I am just hoping I ovulate on time, that will be a victory for me.  With multiple doctors looking at my profile, I have been told that there is no reason, whatsoever, stopping me from concieving.  I just need to get the NK and ANA level under control, so I still have some hope. 

Today I will be more joyful and more thankful.  One of the members of my group is not only 41, has 3 failed IVF's, but also lost her dad in December and just found out that her husband may have lymphoma!  When I hear stories like that, I realize I have no problems. 

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