Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Has it really been 2 weeks?

There are no words to describe my life since June 16th, 2011.  A) I have a son, B) I no longer sleep, C) my life is fully complete, and D) everything I thought I knew or had figured out is now null and void.

We met our caseworker at 4pm on Friday the 16th and she handed James over.  In the hours leading up to the meeting, I started freaking out about everything (I know, a little late).  I had been so obsessed with getting him here, fighting with the state, worrying about Mary and James' potential fathers, that I had not really stopped to think about what we were actually taking on.  Not to say, I hadn't considered the responsibility (heavily), I have twin 1 year-old nephews and I have been heavily involved in their care since the day they were born and I, myself, am the oldest of 4, so I know what it means to care for a baby.  I just started questioning myself and the entire process.  Will he be hooked up to wires? Look crazy?  Be cracked out?  I had not even seen a picture of this 4 month old little miracle, so I started panicing....

...But all of that evaporated when Shelley opened the door of her back seat and there, all diapered and pacified, was sweet Baby James.

Oh my.  It was beyond love at first sight...I knew I already loved him, but...oh my.  The instant I put him in the car seat and our eyes met, he smiled, cooed, and my life was complete. 

What has ensued since then is nothing short of a tornado, a hurricane, an earthquake, and a tsunami, all rolled in to one.  Some good, some bad, some exhausting, some heartbreaking, but all amazing.  He is my everything.  I feel like I can't remember anything prior to June 16th.  Everything I thought I knew about babies, and life, for that matter, are out the window.  I don't know if I'm a good mom or not.  I feed him, I hold him, I change him, I rock him to sleep, I snuggle with him, I comfort him, so I hope I am.  Either way, it's a dream come true.

Thanks to all for the kind words of encouragement and support.  I feel so blessed.

Something I never thought I would say...

I am having a baby tomorrow.  Well..I'm getting a baby tomorrow.  It still has not hit me that this is my last day before I'm a mom.  This has been the wildest adventure/heartache/heart attack/stressor/joy of my life, thus far. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I live my life in limbo, it seems.

My friend, Colin, likes to give nicknames.  I don't know why, but it's actually pretty funny.  He named me DJ Limbo, probably because I used to be a crazy party girl, not because I was ever quiet or reserved about any opinions or was ever on-the-fence about anything at all. 

But what a foreshadow.  Kind of a dumb thought, but this is a blog, so I noted it.

The update: we went to our hearing last week and it went wonderfully.  I actually really don't see how it could have gone better.  Our attorney was fantastic, the state agreed with us, and Mary didn't even bother to show up for the hearing, so we thought we were good.  A potential father did show up, which we knew he would, but he is an unemployed, drug addict himself, so even if he is the father, which he's not because he's not even the same color as James, he has some pretty serious hoops to jump through, so we're proceeding until we are told not to.  So the judge orders James in to our custody once our ICPC clears in Texas because it's only going to be a matter of days until that is finished.  She told the state to give the foster family notice, do what they needed to do, and the minute confirmation of a clear ICPC came back, we could go get him.  Great, right?

Well, the state is now saying that they will not tell the foster parents anything until a clear ICPC comes back.  The foster parents then get 5 days from the notice to get him ready or to object.  I don't know if they will, and I don't know why they would, considering we're relatives, but they would be really stupid to, I'll tell you that much.  Either way, the state is completely ignoring the judge's orders and dragging their feet like only they can do.

So what did I do?  Probably screwed everything up because I politely asked the state to go ahead and give the foster family notice, to which, they refused to do, so I called the person who manages operations for the state and kindly asked him to look in to this policy for me.  I hope he forgets to do this.  I really don't want to piss the state off since they were so readily in our corner.  I wasn't crazy and fired up and I complimented the state on how nice and communicative they have been with us, so hopefully that gets expressed in addition to the "what the f*ck is going on here" inquiry.  I am so impatient and I truly hope this hasn't lit and burned all of my efforts over the last month.  That would be just like me, not to be able to wait another week, and to mess the whole thing up and not get James at all.  I blame infertility for my impatience. 

Meanwhile, I look like a complete child predator because I have so much baby crap in my house right now, it's unimaginable.  I go to Buy Buy Baby as a 113 pound woman who shows no signs of pregnancy whatsoever, with a carseat in hand in hopes of finding a stroller that fits it.  When the salesperson asks how old my baby is, I love to freak them out by replying, "Oh, I don't have a baby".  hehe.  We went ahead and started accumulating gear on the high of the judges decision and kind words for us.  I decided better to just think positively and move forward rather than get the call to pick him up and be totally unprepared.  The nursery is cute but it makes my heart hurt.  I don't have James and I am not pregnant, per my pregnancy test this morning (2 days late....grrr). 

What a strange microcosm in which I find myself.  No baby after trying for a solid year.  Then baby magically appears, ripe for the taking, and I still have no baby.  I have this overwhelming fear and anxiety that I will have to return every single piece of furniture, bedding, and baby junk I have bought and go on without him.  I can see him here, I can see our little family, and I can see my life complete, but nothing seems to ever work out like that for me.  Believe me, I'm not playing the victim card, but you don't know the countless adventures and heartaches I've had with things that are supposed to be easy and are supposed to be relatively simple.  I guess those situations have made me who I am today, but I would love love love a free pass on this one.  I would love to be able to get the call today that ICPC is all clear and we could go get him on Tuesday of next week...but I doubt that's going to happen, even though technically and legally, that's how it should happen! 

I have a phone consult with Dr. Saleh tomorrow regarding further immune testing.  I will probably do all of the testing now just so I can get some further information.  For what, though, I do not know.  I can't afford IVIg, I will not be traveling to Mexico for LIT, I hate steroids and IVF won't help me.  I guess I would just like more explanation for my own piece of mind since, in theory, I should already be pregnant, given the steps I was instructed to take.  Saleh wanted me to do micro-IVF and told me that with aspirin, intralipids, and IVF I could get pregnant.  Well, I did the aspirin and did the intralipids and we all know I don't need help with fertilization, so in theory, I should be pregnant.  But I'm not.  Of course.  So I suppose I want to know more.  TH1/TH2, TNF, cytokine ratio, LAD, etc.  All of the things I BEGGED Putman to test, but he said "no need".  Where would I be had I stayed with that idiot?  3 IUI's in the hole with nothing to show for it?  What a joke.  I can't see Saleh finding anything all that striking, considering my elevated NK's and ANA are only BARELY elevated in the first place (yet another cruel joke).  It's just so perplexing to think about how long it's been since I've actually been pregnant. 

I still never could have dreamed any part of this would be happening to me.  But it is.  So I limbo.