Monday, April 25, 2011

New hopes and new fears

I cannot believe that I am only 3 months away from one official year of infertility.  Given my past, it's not only ironic, but cruel.  My lifestyle was my choice, but I feel that I have MORE THAN repaid the universe in just this year bank account has too!  Now that things are more on track, I am hopeful, once again, but still have that looming feeling that I may never see a positive pregnancy test again.  I think it's finally starting to hit poor Jason too.  We were in the car driving back from brunch on Sunday and the streets and parks were filled with kids and their Easter baskets.  We were, of course, talking about infertility, intralipids, etc. when he said, "why can't we just get pregnant?  I mean, really, nothing?!?"  I've never heard him say anything like that.  I feel like it's my fault.  Partly because I'm a woman and that's just in our genes, and partly because it very well may be.  I'm also starting to think that I need more testing done.  There's nothing we can really do if something insane turns up and we need IVIg, but we haven't undergone a single genetic test.  I think we have both agreed that we'll continue the intralipids for another 6 months or so, take a break, and then start talking about the strong possibility of IVF.  I sincererly hope it doesn't come to that because, in a way, I don't think that will work either.  So the battle rages on.  How is it that the years are slipping by so quickly, but my 2ww SLOWLY ticks by?

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