Had my first intralipids infusion on Monday. Pretty uneventful, but my nurse was really nice. Come to find out this little bag only really contains 4 cc's of the actual 20% intralipids, the rest is saline solution. I still get fired up when I think about my lying, thieving doctor who wanted me to go to "their" clinic, (not even associated with his office or hospital in any way) and pay $700 per infusion. Don't get me wrong, $200 is still highway robbery, considering the medication is only $75, but a 100% markup is just disgusting. No real side effects, just a little headache, a cold arm, and feeling a little bloated afterward.
On a sadder note, a girl from my fertility group lost, or I guess I could say "is losing", her second twin today. She went in at 6 weeks, heard both heartbeats, then lost one. She went to her 10 week checkup yesterday and no heartbeat on the second. That makes me fall down. I cannot imagine. I think I would probably have to be committed, much less be willing to try again. Ever. I have read so many stories and try to stay positive, but that is just simply not fair.
I have been thinking more and more about pregnancy and motherhood. Yes, hard to believe that after obsessing for 8 months I could think about it MORE, but I have. Despite the non-stop baby showers, sonogram pics, newborn announcements and babies every-freakin-where, I think I will be okay without one. I love infants, but Jason and I have a great life. I don't see it being less complete without a baby anymore than I see us being more complete with one. No doubt I would like to know that my body is capable of holding and producing a fetus, but I look around at everyone pregnant or newly delivered and it looks scary. Exciting, but scary. So, while I continue to infuse, ingest a handful of pills, a cupful of herbs, and avoid dairy, gluten, wheat, alcohol, caffeine, fried foods, and sugar, I am not hell-bent on pregnancy anymore. Could this be acceptance? I am fairly certain I have cried all the tears I possibly can with miscarriages, failed attempts, and poor prognoses. I will hope for the best.
Ovulation window starts Saturday, so J and I will be home all weekend "preparing". I can't imagine this thing would work on the first shot, but I'm more interested than anything to see if I could actual take control and conceive. Like I said, I would be excited to just see a positive pregnancy test after 8 months. We'll see.