Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Feeling bloated? Must be the thousand calorie infusion.

Had my first intralipids infusion on Monday.  Pretty uneventful, but my nurse was really nice.  Come to find out this little bag only really contains 4 cc's of the actual 20% intralipids, the rest is saline solution.  I still get fired up when I think about my lying, thieving doctor who wanted me to go to "their" clinic, (not even associated with his office or hospital in any way) and pay $700 per infusion.  Don't get me wrong, $200 is still highway robbery, considering the medication is only $75, but a 100% markup is just disgusting.  No real side effects, just a little headache, a cold arm, and feeling a little bloated afterward. 

On a sadder note, a girl from my fertility group lost, or I guess I could say "is losing", her second twin today.  She went in at 6 weeks, heard both heartbeats, then lost one.  She went to her 10 week checkup yesterday and no heartbeat on the second.  That makes me fall down.  I cannot imagine.  I think I would probably have to be committed, much less be willing to try again.  Ever.  I have read so many stories and try to stay positive, but that is just simply not fair. 

I have been thinking more and more about pregnancy and motherhood.  Yes, hard to believe that after obsessing for 8 months I could think about it MORE, but I have.  Despite the non-stop baby showers, sonogram pics, newborn announcements and babies every-freakin-where, I think I will be okay without one.  I love infants, but Jason and I have a great life.  I don't see it being less complete without a baby anymore than I see us being more complete with one.  No doubt I would like to know that my body is capable of holding and producing a fetus, but I look around at everyone pregnant or newly delivered and it looks scary.  Exciting, but scary.  So, while I continue to infuse, ingest a handful of pills, a cupful of herbs, and avoid dairy, gluten, wheat, alcohol, caffeine, fried foods, and sugar, I am not hell-bent on pregnancy anymore.  Could this be acceptance?  I am fairly certain I have cried all the tears I possibly can with miscarriages, failed attempts, and poor prognoses.  I will hope for the best. 

Ovulation window starts Saturday, so J and I will be home all weekend "preparing".  I can't imagine this thing would work on the first shot, but I'm more interested than anything to see if I could actual take control and conceive.  Like I said, I would be excited to just see a positive pregnancy test after 8 months.  We'll see.

No comments:

Post a Comment