Friday, February 4, 2011
5 inches of snow
Maybe after 4 days of ice and treacherous conditions, I should see the freshly lain snow as some kind of a metaphor. I feel terrible. After getting back some crazy antibody ANA test with some kind of elevated result ultimately leading to my infertility and repeated miscarriage, somehow I am not encouraged by the pretty snow. Upon receiving my results, I went straight to the internets (stupid, stupid, stupid) and researched the hell out of this condition. It became very apparent to me that there are two kind of people: people who can have tons of babies with no problem (even miracle stories, like getting pregnant while on Depo! Joy!) and people with this affliction. It's problematic, experimental, and very abstract in terms of treatment and diagnosis. Ultimately, I may truly be facing what I feared most, but always talked about as if worse case scenario-speak would wish it away. I may be infertile. Not only infertile, but dangerous to my own body by concieving a child and surely losing it 6 weeks later. It's not pretty.