Saturday, February 26, 2011

No coffee, no cream, no sugar

3rd morning without coffee and really mourning the loss.  There has to be something really terrible about coffee if you only drink one measly cup a day and you feel like death, literal deterioration of your soul, if you don't have that drug after one or two days.  The green tea helps, but like methodone for a smack addict, it just ain't the same. *sigh*

On a high note, I found an infertility support group through Dallas Resolve and it looks great.  I figure since every single person around me is either with-child or has-child, I may need to get some new allies.  Also registered for a seminar through SIRM, aka my next stop if TCM doesn't work, and, while it's most likely going to be the usual medical BS, excuses, and thrusting of out-of-pocket IVF down throat, I would like a preview of the people I'm going to be dealing with and, bonus, they are drawing each day for a free IVF cycle giveaway.  Although, if I won it, I would strongly consider giving it to someone more deserving.  Don't get me wrong, I am completely obsessed with having a baby, I just don't know if I'm going to put my body through that and I know that would die to have it.  Anyway...

I had a breakdown last night about this diet.  I know it sounds stupid, but gluten-free, dairy-free, and high alkaline?  Look in to this if you don't believe me.  I am already a vegetarian with the exception of fish (which, ironically enough, is pretty much a no no on this thing), so unless I want to eat bok choy, wheatgrass, and turnip root for every single meal, I am pretty much going to starve to death.  So I cried.  My husband has to think I am about to go right over the edge.  Going to Sprouts today to see what I can do and get myself together for a better week next week.

I'm still very discouraged, to say the least, by the lack of concrete answers out there.  If I had every test suggested, I sincerely believe I would have no blood left.  My body would simply stop producing it, like "uh, are you gonna use this or just keep giving it away?"   The more I look around, the more this whole infertility thing seems like a complete conspiracy.  No one seems to be governing anything, just pumping women full of chemicals, hoping for the best, and if it fails/the woman's body gives out, they chalk it up to "chance" or "being God's most complicated creatures".  I can't even imagine being $100,000 in the hole, 5 IVF's later and still nothing. 

I need some coffee.

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