Friday, February 25, 2011

2 posts in one day...must be bad

Yep.  I have been weepy all day. 

I guess after learning of a whole new slew of people about to welcome their "little miracles" into the world, the backlash finally hit, depression ensued, and here I am, on my couch, focusing on nothing but getting pregnant, and writing yet again (to whom or for whom, I do not know, I highly doubt I'm inspiring anyone to follow me).  I also walked around Walmart and saw a girl with a dirty boob hanging out of her dress, walking around barefoot, with a cigarette in one hand, two-year old in another....and she was pregnant.  I'm not going to say "I just don't get it" because it's just beyond that.

And this whole diet thing leaves me with absolutely nothing to look forward to.  Well, a hopefully lower NK level, I suppose, but it's going to be a long 3 months.  I'm also just sad.  These blogs I turn to definitely comfort me, but I really can't believe there are so many of us.  I have only been trying for 6 months (well, 4 if you don't include one month pregnant and another month post-miscarriage) and I see these women in their 5th cycle and TTC for 8 years...I don't know how to digest that.  I don't want to be asked when we're getting started or whether or not I have kids for the next 10 years.  I don't want to go to another baby shower.  I don't want to see another big, beautiful, bulging baby belly until I have my own! 

My poor husband is, for the most part, a fantastic man.  He is absolutely the man of my dreams.  But I just feel so isolated and lonely.  I don't want to go anywhere for fear that I'll see someone I know and they'll ask me about babies or I'll see another Walmart situation and lose it.  "Um, ma'am, if you're too busy holding that cigarette and the toddler, I would be happy to take the baby you're anticipating right off your, take my number."

I also found out that my friend Jenni, who is 38 and on IVF #5, is not pregnant as of today.  Her doctor told her that "on paper" she should be pregnant.  WTF?  On paper?  Well, Christ on a skateboard, why didn't you say so? Total bullshit.  I feel so terribly for her.  Her doctor basically told her that was the last chance they had...and it was with a donor egg!  A big, fat, egg from a fresh, fertile 18-year old who produced 25 eggs from which to choose. 

I have so much guilt over this whole thing.  Yeah, ok, so it's only been 6 months, but I'm looking at another 3 not TTC due to NK/diet/a prescribed break, then what?  More trying?  Another miscarriage?  Then nothing?  I will be 32 next month, and then 33 next year...time is running out!  Why didn't I take better care of myself when I was younger?  Why did I drink so much, starve myself for so long, smoke so many many cigarettes, and party as hard as I did?  Why didn't I look in to some kind of pre-TTC testing so I could have dealt with this MF-ing AI issue last year?  Now, I wait. 

Will I ever have Baby Wes?  Will I ever get to fill that throw-whatever-doesn't-go-with-the-house-in-there room with my precious color scheme and crib?  Will I ever even get to feel a pregnant, let alone have a baby, again?  How did things get ruined so fast?

I would be having a baby next month.  Along with EVERYone I know. 

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