Thursday, February 24, 2011

Way behind

Today was the worst.  WORST. 

Besides not being able to drink coffee, eat chips and salsa, or drink a single glass of wine, I feel like crap.  The day was rainy, so that didn't help much.  I know the new diet is ultimately going to be really good for me, but this first day was an ass kicker.  I even took a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day!

I also feel very worthless.  I am running my own business in a very half-ass way in anticipation of closing things down in about a week which I cannot wait for, however where I go from there is an unknown.  We are venturing out into a totally different project, but I cannot seem to get things going.  I have no energy whatsoever.  I am not depression-prone person, but without a glass of wine or three to look forward to on a Friday night, it's hard to stay peppy about life.  Sound pathetic?  Well, I don't have children, so that's the way life is around here.  Don't get me wrong, I love love love my husband, but every week is pretty much the same as the next and the last since it's "just us two". 

My husband came home from a happy hour with friends only to report that about 5 different couples are pregnant with their firsts, seconds, and even thirds.  Some are now in their second houses, some right on the street on Mount Bunel, where I dream of spending my days.  I won't say it's not fair because that's not what life is all about.  But it always feels like a punch in the empty uterus when I hear about other people's progress and I begin thinking about the fact that I just may be right here...forever. 

The acupuncture center for fertility's website said that "no woman, unless there is something physiologically damaged, is infertile", but I have to say, I feel pretty damned "infertile".  I guess for energy's sake, I should try some more positive self-talk, but the more I people I hear about getting pregnant, the more barren I feel.  I just want one baby.  Only I know how ridiculously ironic that wish is, but there has to be some kind of chance for just one.  I have pretty much abandoned all desire to pursue IVIg, IUI or IVF.  I just don't trust that system, so this diet/acupuncture/exercise thing HAS to work.

Looking forward to a better tomorrow. 89 days left.  Sigh.

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