Today was the worst. WORST.
Besides not being able to drink coffee, eat chips and salsa, or drink a single glass of wine, I feel like crap. The day was rainy, so that didn't help much. I know the new diet is ultimately going to be really good for me, but this first day was an ass kicker. I even took a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day!
I also feel very worthless. I am running my own business in a very half-ass way in anticipation of closing things down in about a week which I cannot wait for, however where I go from there is an unknown. We are venturing out into a totally different project, but I cannot seem to get things going. I have no energy whatsoever. I am not depression-prone person, but without a glass of wine or three to look forward to on a Friday night, it's hard to stay peppy about life. Sound pathetic? Well, I don't have children, so that's the way life is around here. Don't get me wrong, I love love love my husband, but every week is pretty much the same as the next and the last since it's "just us two".
My husband came home from a happy hour with friends only to report that about 5 different couples are pregnant with their firsts, seconds, and even thirds. Some are now in their second houses, some right on the street on Mount Bunel, where I dream of spending my days. I won't say it's not fair because that's not what life is all about. But it always feels like a punch in the empty uterus when I hear about other people's progress and I begin thinking about the fact that I just may be right here...forever.
The acupuncture center for fertility's website said that "no woman, unless there is something physiologically damaged, is infertile", but I have to say, I feel pretty damned "infertile". I guess for energy's sake, I should try some more positive self-talk, but the more I people I hear about getting pregnant, the more barren I feel. I just want one baby. Only I know how ridiculously ironic that wish is, but there has to be some kind of chance for just one. I have pretty much abandoned all desire to pursue IVIg, IUI or IVF. I just don't trust that system, so this diet/acupuncture/exercise thing HAS to work.
Looking forward to a better tomorrow. 89 days left. Sigh.