Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Good Morning, America.

Yeah, I watch this show every morning.  I never thought my life would come to loving Chris Cuomo, Robin Roberts, Sam Champion, and yes, even JuJu Chang.  Sigh.  It's now part of my routine.  I don't put a single, god blessed stake in media of any shape or form, but I watch this MF-ing show.  Well actually, I take that back, I will admit I love NPR, but that's because I can easily sniff out the bullshit from real truth and they seem to have something that resembles an actual tidbit of honesty that exists on this tiny little insignificant planet in this solar system.  And no, I'm not a liberal.  I'm also not a conservative.  I couldn't care less and not because I'm uninformed...we'll address in a later post. 

Oftentimes I find it touching, these folks really seem to care about their stories.  Oftentimes I'm angry by some reported injustice, but for the most part, it's part of my boring, mundane routine:  get Jason ready for work, pack lunch, C-O-F-F-E-E, GMA, get Jason out the door, blah blah blah. 

And that's it.  Obviously, the point is not Good Morning America.  The point is deeper and maybe even more insignificant than this tiny, little solar system in a slightly larger galaxy in a ridiculously huge outer space.  I can't seem to produce a baby and it's really all I focus on and hate myself for.  I know, I know, not another woman obsessed with the dream and idea that baby fever is everything and babies are everything, and being "preggers" (gag) is everything, and the nursery and the toddler, and on and on and on.  I know, I know.  I truly do not believe mine is an obsession as much as it is a complete and total let-down.  As you will later understand, I was pretty much born to be a mother.  I would even venture to say it wasn't by choice.  But ever since I can remember, I have been surrounded, nay, terrorized, by babies and children.  I learned how to love them, care for them, entertain them, quiet even the most hysterical of fits, get even the most persistent to wain, and calm the wildest of the wild.  I love kids.  I think I had dolls until I was 13 years old and I 'm not even really sure I'm ashamed to admit that.  I adored them.  Maybe it's all just supposed to be like that, but I know plenty of people who could care less about having babies and I just don't seem to be one of them.  To make matters worse (well, better, but we'll say "harder"), my cousin has twins right smack in the middle of my in, TWO babies.  Sigh.  I love them, maybe even more than I've ever loved any baby in my life, so it's bittersweet, but only perpetuates the abysmal feeling of my empty womb.  Gross, but true.

So my life seems a little meaningless.  I mean, aren't women put here to procreate?  Reproduce?  Rear children?  I'm not stupid, I'm aware of the reality that it's a huge business, babymaking, and that alot of the craze is, well, just that, a craze.  Of course children are wonderful, parenthood is, ahem, wonderful, and on and on.  I have been forced to put a ton of thought in to the idea that I actually would not have children, what I would do with my life, all of the questions over the years (them: "do you all have any children?" Us: "No, just wasn't in the cards for us.  But we travel alot and we have alot of money."  The: "Oh. Well, that's good", of course in a very disappointed, what-a-shame sort of way).  I have gone over every scenario and I know I'm hardly different than any of the other millions of women enthralled in the same struggle, but I have to vent.  I feel I have everyone but no one to talk to.  All of my friends either have a freakin' gaggle of children or aren't married, or are too young to be worried about it.  Or, of course, they're pregnant.  Joy!

So I wait.  And wait. And I do what no barren women should ever, ever, ever do: look to the internet for answers.  Um, yeah, don't know if anyone has noticed, but it is "virtually" impossible to find anything on the internet anymore.  I know I'm not telling you something you don't know, but I would caution any women in my situation or really any other situation, for that matter, to seek answers on one of the internets.  I have searched it all.  I've gotten to the end.  I even beat the dragon on the last level.  The internet has more opinions and nonsense than actual answers.  So I wait.

Many women who aren't interested in reproduction or perhaps simply aren't "there" yet may think that getting pregnant is super easy, and for many it is.  Good for you.  In truth, it's a freakin hurry-up-and-wait game.  If you happen to get pregnant and miscarry early on, well, dear jesus, help you.  I am convinced that from the moment a women finds out she's pregnant, her life should be paused, she should be whisked away to some laboratory and her mind should be studied, really examined.  The thought process is forever altered and she is able to envision, plan, and actually see things that have not happened yet, but with lightening speed and with such a vengeance that the government should bottle that stuff and sell it to whomever, maybe soldiers, I don't know, but it's nuts. 

So I'm playing different what should I do with my life scenarios over in my head.  Do I continue with my business?  Go back to a 12-hour day making tons of money? Go to nursing school?  This week I am going to probe in to my future.  I'm going to use my skills to make a plan for adoption, school, my career and I will figure this out. 

I'll let you know how it goes.

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