Want to know about Natural Killer activity?

This was a great post from Dr. Sher, Executive Director of SIRM.  Despite my complete distrust in the system in regards to women and fertility in this country, this seems to be my dx and thought it might shed some light on this god dammed, implantation blocking, MF.  That is all.

http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=immunology&id=292

Um, why does the government hate women so much?

Please please please read this post and support Planned Parenthood.  I don't believe in government, but if it exsists, this is a cause to get behind.  Click on the link and prepare to be pissed off. 

Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed.: Um, why does the government hate women so much?: "**ETA: This is getting posted, shared, and tweeted like hotcakes. This is what grassroots advocacy and awareness-building is all about. Need..."

Can't dodge the baby bump

Everyone is pregnant, everywhere I look.  Good God.  Walmart, every TV commercial, Natalie Portman as I watch the Oscars.  Today, while walking in to my house, the people down the street were bringing their baby home from the hospital!  Geez.

The saddest part for me, besides facing the rest of my life without ever being pregnant again, is that I would be 8 months pregnant right now, making final preparations, excited and nervous aboud L&D.  But I'm not.  So I don't want to be around anyone with a baby, who may be pregnant with a baby, I don't even want to smell a baby right now.  I'm 32 and can't, so I can't have it in my face right now. 

I have, however, been reading several books that have somewhat comforted me in my decision not to pursue ART's at this time. Making Babies by Dr. Sami S. David and Hill Blakeway, LAc is particularly interesting because it's a doctor, the first to perform an IVF in New York, in fact, who actually speaks against Western medicine, their one-size-fits-all approach and how women are flooded with injections and infusions without giving any real attention to their symptoms or results.  The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, PhD really changed by view on everything IVF/IUI.  She's the reason I am taking a completely different approach and also the reason that, if by some amazing, unbelievable, bring-me-to-my-knees chance that I am able to concieve, carry, and deliver a healthy baby, I will write the longest F off letter to one "Dr." P.

Another interesting development:  I wrote in to Dr. S on the SIRM board about my test results and he replied that since I don't seem to have any physiological issues, an infusion at ET and again once HCG doubles should do the trick.  Dr. P said that I would have to have them for the first 4-5 months of pregnancy.  Never fails.  (Well, actually, when it comes to my egg implanting, it does.)

After my first weekend of dieting and some miserable moments of cravings, feelings of starvation, despair, disgust and nausea, I think I'm going to live.  Tomorrow I rejoin the land of the living.  Nursing school, the law firm, and everything else should keep me pretty busy. 

I have also decided to go ahead with the appointment with SIRM so that I can get the rest of my testing done, get some questions answered, then let him know my plan.  I just don't feel like I have the whole picture.  I hope I do, feeling a bit encouraged by the answer on the SIRM board, but I have learned not to get excited when it comes to me and making a baby.

No coffee, no cream, no sugar

3rd morning without coffee and really mourning the loss.  There has to be something really terrible about coffee if you only drink one measly cup a day and you feel like death, literal deterioration of your soul, if you don't have that drug after one or two days.  The green tea helps, but like methodone for a smack addict, it just ain't the same. *sigh*

On a high note, I found an infertility support group through Dallas Resolve and it looks great.  I figure since every single person around me is either with-child or has-child, I may need to get some new allies.  Also registered for a seminar through SIRM, aka my next stop if TCM doesn't work, and, while it's most likely going to be the usual medical BS, excuses, and thrusting of out-of-pocket IVF down throat, I would like a preview of the people I'm going to be dealing with and, bonus, they are drawing each day for a free IVF cycle giveaway.  Although, if I won it, I would strongly consider giving it to someone more deserving.  Don't get me wrong, I am completely obsessed with having a baby, I just don't know if I'm going to put my body through that and I know that would die to have it.  Anyway...

I had a breakdown last night about this diet.  I know it sounds stupid, but gluten-free, dairy-free, and high alkaline?  Look in to this if you don't believe me.  I am already a vegetarian with the exception of fish (which, ironically enough, is pretty much a no no on this thing), so unless I want to eat bok choy, wheatgrass, and turnip root for every single meal, I am pretty much going to starve to death.  So I cried.  My husband has to think I am about to go right over the edge.  Going to Sprouts today to see what I can do and get myself together for a better week next week.

I'm still very discouraged, to say the least, by the lack of concrete answers out there.  If I had every test suggested, I sincerely believe I would have no blood left.  My body would simply stop producing it, like "uh, are you gonna use this or just keep giving it away?"   The more I look around, the more this whole infertility thing seems like a complete conspiracy.  No one seems to be governing anything, just pumping women full of chemicals, hoping for the best, and if it fails/the woman's body gives out, they chalk it up to "chance" or "being God's most complicated creatures".  I can't even imagine being $100,000 in the hole, 5 IVF's later and still nothing. 

I need some coffee.

2 posts in one day...must be bad

Yep.  I have been weepy all day. 

I guess after learning of a whole new slew of people about to welcome their "little miracles" into the world, the backlash finally hit, depression ensued, and here I am, on my couch, focusing on nothing but getting pregnant, and writing yet again (to whom or for whom, I do not know, I highly doubt I'm inspiring anyone to follow me).  I also walked around Walmart and saw a girl with a dirty boob hanging out of her dress, walking around barefoot, with a cigarette in one hand, two-year old in another....and she was pregnant.  I'm not going to say "I just don't get it" because it's just beyond that.

And this whole diet thing leaves me with absolutely nothing to look forward to.  Well, a hopefully lower NK level, I suppose, but it's going to be a long 3 months.  I'm also just sad.  These blogs I turn to definitely comfort me, but I really can't believe there are so many of us.  I have only been trying for 6 months (well, 4 if you don't include one month pregnant and another month post-miscarriage) and I see these women in their 5th cycle and TTC for 8 years...I don't know how to digest that.  I don't want to be asked when we're getting started or whether or not I have kids for the next 10 years.  I don't want to go to another baby shower.  I don't want to see another big, beautiful, bulging baby belly until I have my own! 

My poor husband is, for the most part, a fantastic man.  He is absolutely the man of my dreams.  But I just feel so isolated and lonely.  I don't want to go anywhere for fear that I'll see someone I know and they'll ask me about babies or I'll see another Walmart situation and lose it.  "Um, ma'am, if you're too busy holding that cigarette and the toddler, I would be happy to take the baby you're anticipating right off your hands...here, take my number."

I also found out that my friend Jenni, who is 38 and on IVF #5, is not pregnant as of today.  Her doctor told her that "on paper" she should be pregnant.  WTF?  On paper?  Well, Christ on a skateboard, why didn't you say so? Total bullshit.  I feel so terribly for her.  Her doctor basically told her that was the last chance they had...and it was with a donor egg!  A big, fat, egg from a fresh, fertile 18-year old who produced 25 eggs from which to choose. 

I have so much guilt over this whole thing.  Yeah, ok, so it's only been 6 months, but I'm looking at another 3 not TTC due to NK/diet/a prescribed break, then what?  More trying?  Another miscarriage?  Then nothing?  I will be 32 next month, and then 33 next year...time is running out!  Why didn't I take better care of myself when I was younger?  Why did I drink so much, starve myself for so long, smoke so many many cigarettes, and party as hard as I did?  Why didn't I look in to some kind of pre-TTC testing so I could have dealt with this MF-ing AI issue last year?  Now, I wait. 

Will I ever have Baby Wes?  Will I ever get to fill that throw-whatever-doesn't-go-with-the-house-in-there room with my precious color scheme and crib?  Will I ever even get to feel a pregnant, let alone have a baby, again?  How did things get ruined so fast?

I would be having a baby next month.  Along with EVERYone I know. 

Clinically Mentally

I'm wondering whether or not thinking about being infertile all day, in combination with dreaming about thinking/talking about it at night, along with dreaming about other people's fresh new little infants, makes me 100% certifiably mentally insane.  Seriously.  My entire night's sleep, or so it seemed, was consumed with infertile thoughts and conversations I had to have with people about "The Wrath".  Then, one of my friends from elementary school appears out of no where with her precious new baby boy.  I later wake up and have these same thoughts, experience these same emotions (lust, hatred, despair, jealousy, bitterness...you know, the standards), only to now look forward to sleeping on them? 

I'm discouraged, to say the least.  I know I need to try and keep my mind off of it, stay off of the internet (for Christ's sake), and try to limit my researching, but it's an obsession.  One like I've never had before.  For now, I need to rely on the relaxation of ACP and hope that the diet doesn't drive me further in to insanity.  A gluten free diet can't hurt though.  While I am a vegetarian, I've been consuming nothing but refined sugars, genetically engineered foods, dairy, wheat, and soy for years, so hopefully it will help.  Plus, we're taking a 3 month break from TTC (stressful because my 32 birthday is next month!!)  so I'm hoping for results this summer.

Until then, trying to keep a clear head but presently doing a terrible job at it. 

Contemplating visiting SIRM for new bloodwork and see what they're offering?

There I go again...

Way behind

Today was the worst.  WORST. 

Besides not being able to drink coffee, eat chips and salsa, or drink a single glass of wine, I feel like crap.  The day was rainy, so that didn't help much.  I know the new diet is ultimately going to be really good for me, but this first day was an ass kicker.  I even took a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day!

I also feel very worthless.  I am running my own business in a very half-ass way in anticipation of closing things down in about a week which I cannot wait for, however where I go from there is an unknown.  We are venturing out into a totally different project, but I cannot seem to get things going.  I have no energy whatsoever.  I am not depression-prone person, but without a glass of wine or three to look forward to on a Friday night, it's hard to stay peppy about life.  Sound pathetic?  Well, I don't have children, so that's the way life is around here.  Don't get me wrong, I love love love my husband, but every week is pretty much the same as the next and the last since it's "just us two". 

My husband came home from a happy hour with friends only to report that about 5 different couples are pregnant with their firsts, seconds, and even thirds.  Some are now in their second houses, some right on the street on Mount Bunel, where I dream of spending my days.  I won't say it's not fair because that's not what life is all about.  But it always feels like a punch in the empty uterus when I hear about other people's progress and I begin thinking about the fact that I just may be right here...forever. 

The acupuncture center for fertility's website said that "no woman, unless there is something physiologically damaged, is infertile", but I have to say, I feel pretty damned "infertile".  I guess for energy's sake, I should try some more positive self-talk, but the more I people I hear about getting pregnant, the more barren I feel.  I just want one baby.  Only I know how ridiculously ironic that wish is, but there has to be some kind of chance for just one.  I have pretty much abandoned all desire to pursue IVIg, IUI or IVF.  I just don't trust that system, so this diet/acupuncture/exercise thing HAS to work.

Looking forward to a better tomorrow. 89 days left.  Sigh.

Taking a different approach/rebelling/bitter about the case of medicine v. women

Jesus.  What a difference a day makes.  Somehow recieved the book I ordered off of Amazon (1 day later!?!) and it couldn't have come at a better time.  The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis gave me more answers than the last 3 months of bloodwork, probing, HSG's and prednisone ever could.  The book is amazing.  I have known for several months that something just wasn't right with my body, specifically my in my pelvic area, things are all twisted and tender and I've never experienced that before.  After telling Dr. P about it, he basically laughed in my face and told me there was really no way to "prove"that. Why in the F should I have to prove anything?  Plus, after being told he "wasn't aware" of any natural ways to lower an autoimmunity, I was pretty much out.  You mean to tell me you want to infuse my body with a synthetic for 5 months, extract eggs from my ovaries, fertilize them and then implant them back in to me and you don't have a SINGLE suggestion about dietary changes or physical activity?  Really?  Nothin'?

So I read until 1am.  I couldn't stop.  The immune system chapter was written for me.  I was amazed by the clarity I got just from reading this woman's expertise, opinion, and findings.  So I made an appointment to see an acupuncturist (I am abbreviating to "ACPIST" from now on, that's just too much thinking) and was able to get in today.  What a game-changer.  This woman was very comforting, very knowledgeable, and most of all, supportive.  She asked me a whole slew of questions, took my pulse and we discussed a plan for diet, exercise, sexual activity and fertility. 

One aspect that absolutely blew my mind was the NKa strength.  She told me to stop "trying" for 3 months and give my system a break.  She said that the NKa's were attacking because they have been conditioned to do so, they are ready for that egg every month!  She also added that women in China "stop" for longer than that in order to quiet the response.  Unreal.  No prednisone, no steroids, no suppressions, just straight forward information.  She put me on the table, popped those needles in, and  I was off to sleep.  It was a fantastic experience. 

She included a 2 week supply of herbs, a diet plan, some literature, and I left feeling better than I had in the 13 times I had walked out of a doctor's office in the last 71 days. 

Not only am I taking a break from trying, I am taking a much needed hiatus from rude medical assistants, hurried nurses, and most of all, insensitive, scamming doctors.  At this point, I would rather heal my body and get balanced than to even think of having a child at this point anyway. 

Today was a good day.

The morning after

Well, I saw Dr. P yesterday and I suppose I feel better.  Considering my type-A mentality, vague diagnoses and prognoses are problematic for me, to say the least.  Ex: my NKa levels are "elevated".  What does that mean?  Too elevated?  Way way way elevated?  Somewhat elevated?  I have too many questions.  So, I can armed with about 3 pages full of questions, tests, direction on any natural remedies to autoimmune/"elevated" NKa levels, so I was definitely prepared to get some answers.

But I did not.  In fact, I felt stupid.  My doctor is a nice man, don't get me wrong, (his staff on the other hand, gets an "F") but he either knew nothing or knew alot but didn't want to talk about any options, alternative methods, natural conception, etc.  In the end, I closed my questionnaire notebook and gave up.  I even got a bit teary because I felt like such an idiot.  For now, he has suggested that they run the NKa test again (which I do not understand because, apparently, white blood cells shift every 180 days and I just had that test, with a $340 price tag, 17 days ago...) and see what kind of results we get.  If they are lower, "1.4 points" lower, to be exact and whatever that means, then he suggested we proceed with trying to conceive naturally for a few more months and then do the IUI.  If it's still "elevated", the he suggests we start the intralipids infusion and do an IUI, repeating the infusions for 5 MONTHS. 

So far, here are my calculations:
Ovulation Monitoring Kit:  $240
Pregnancy Tests:  $80
10 doctor visits, some consultations only, some ultrasounds:  $200
NKa bloodwork:  $340
Prescriptions:  $80

Not so bad, but with another "elevated" (yes, I'm going to keep putting that word in quotes until someone can explain WTF that means on some kind of relative scale) NKa test, costs jump to:

NKa Test #2: $340
Ultrasound for ovulation detection/monitoring (before and after O): $350
Intralipid Infusion, prior to IUI: $700
IUI: $350
Intralipid Infusions following hopefull implantation and positive pregnancy test: $2800

Yeesh. 

I have decided to wait a month before taking another NKa test.  I don't care if it sounds stupid or not, I'm going to radically alter my diet (wine and coffee be dammed!), workout feverishly, and see if that lowers my "elevated" levels at all.  Then, we'll go ahead with the retest and go from there.  If they are still up, I will just go ahead with the GD infusions and IUI.  Bitterly.

I wanted to give an example of why I felt stupid yesterday in my doctor's office. 

(After many in-depth, specific DNA, Auto-Immune, medically-intensive questions, proving I had some knowledge of the issues)

Me: So, do you have patients with similar numbers to mine (aka elevated ANA, elevated NKa, with normal physiological findings, good fertility/family history, no medical problems whatsoever) who take the infusion/IUI route and conceive, have smooth pregnancies, end up with healthy babies?

Dr. J: I do, but you know, everyone is different.

Really???  I was not aware!  I'm a bit confused...You mean to tell me that I called to get an appointment with you, I got dressed with reasonable ease, was able to drive to said appointment on-time, and here I am in this very office all by very own self...but I was able to do ALL OF THAT without the knowledge thus far in life that, indeed, all human beings are different???  Amazing.

Jesus.  It was insulting.  In fact, I think at one point, I told him he didn't have to keep saying that.  I was frustrated, but we'll see.

And so begins the power detox, dieting, 6am workouts and the quest for 1.4 points.

16 and Pregnant

This show, and probably mostly this concept, annoys me.  While I do recognize the value of showing the beauty of life, the options that are out there for pregnant teens, and the American obsession with other peoples' lives, all in all, it annoys me.  Besides the fact that MTV is quite certainly and obviously capitalizing on this show (cover of OK Magazine last week: "Amber leaves Leah in the car while she shops!" Really.  She does?  How does that girl earn the right to procreate?) it seems that only one of the mothers has considered adoption.  Don't get me wrong, I could care less about the moral aspect, what kind of message it sends to teens, how glorified this whole thing is for these girls walking in to Algebra at 32 weeks along.  I'm angry that a sixteen year old girl can produce and I can't.  I'm angry that, besides the fact that I have to see women with too many kids everyday, a half-retarded hair obsessed, English language abusing, bratty little kid can pull off creating, carrying, and giving birth to a baby and I simply cannot. 

My anger isn't reserved only for Teen Mom, I'm also annoyed with Every 45 Seconds, a new Lifetime series featuring 3 couples in labor.  As a nice tie-in to my little rant, they did feature a 17-year old last week who is obsessed with texting.  She and her boyfriend apparently sent over 60,000 texts to each other last year.  She's texting the entire time she's being induced, during contractions, up until the point of pushing that baby right out of her.  Not basking in the joy of almost-motherhood, not rosy with excitement and the possibility, not nervous, just texting. 

Okay, so maybe it's jealousy and I'm just bitter, but come on.  I look around and I sometimes wonder how it's humanly, physically possible not to get pregnant. I know I am in the proverbial valley at the edge of an enormous mountain range called Mount You May Not Ever Hold An Infant Of Your Own, but I am dumbfounded by how easily it's done by others. 

I was at a baby shower a couple of weeks ago (aka my worst nightmare) and all of the girls were there talking about their babies or kids, some pregnant, and asking about each others' little miracles.  One girl was going on and on about her 3 boys and that she could "get pregnant the day she tried".  "Oh, that's awesome," I thought, "would you mind doing it today and giving it to me?"  Another chick bragged that she was on "freakin' Depo" when she got pregnant.  "Really.  Depo.  You were injecting yourself in order to ensure that you would not, by any means, get pregnant.  And you still did.  Get pregnant.  That's wonderful.  Really.  Mmm hmmm." 

I know there's probably some kind of plan.  I'm definitely not religious or spiritual (perhaps some would say maybe that's God's way of saying I need some faith.  Ha.) and I can't take back decisions I made earlier in life.  I do, however, have to pay for them and believe me, I am.  I'm somewhat backed in to a wall because it looks like, in order to have a child of my own, I will, quite literally, pay for those mistakes.  To the tune of $25,000 dollars.  The way I see it, I could have conceived when drinking heavily (and I do mean "heavily"), drugging, not sleeping, partying until 6am night after night after night, getting an HPV vaccination and being on the pill easier than I could now.  Now, with my very calm, at times boring, "healthy" lifestyle.

Irony is harder to swallow that a handful of prenatals, uber DHA, 10mg of Prednisone, 20mg of Prometrium and a baby aspirin.

If I had only known...

...what I know now.

It's been about 2 months since my previous post and I can't believe everything that has happened...and, most importantly, NOT happened.  While yes, it is true that I am only 32 and I "have some time left", I am also impatient, type-A, anxiety ridden and ready to have a baby.  A recipe for disaster.  I know (or at least I now know) there are hundreds of thousands of women out there who are in far worse positions, have spent crazy money, gone through painful procedures, and experienced far deeper heartache than me, so I do feel lucky so far.  But I am just now tip-toeing in to the "involuntary infertility" ring and I do not like what I see.

After visiting Dr. Goldstein, my very first encounter with an infertility doctor, I was horrified not only by him, but by the discovery of a possible ovarian cyst.  The doctor was just creepy and, despite my good looking prelim paperwork, was already discussing IVF with us.  He conducted my sonogram and reported a fluid-filled cyst, gave me some very vague information, and sent me on my way.

I immediately decided to find a second opinion.  I visited and am now currently under the care of Dr. J Michael Putman at Reproductive Endocrinology Associates of Dallas, who I have mixed feelings about.  My initial consultation was quite different than the first in that Dr. Putman is very kind, respectful, humorous, and seems to have a plan.  He was selling IVF hard, at least not on the first visit.  I got an ultrasound and he said everything looks good.  A brief aside: I am in good health, meaning I am never, ever sick.  I am in decent shape at 5'6" 118 lbs., I have never had any kind of infection, disease, condition.  My family is in good health as well, with no cancer, heart disease, genetic disorders, or history of (ta-da!) infertility of any kind.  I have a cycle that you can set a clock to, periods at 9:30am on the 28th day and ovulation on day 12 without a hitch.  Besides a miscarriage after 4 weeks in August of '10, no history of a single female problem whatsoever.  All that being said, I look GOOD on paper. 

Dr. Putman talked me through "the plan" and explained the blood tests and diagnostic testing I would undergo.  Sounded good, though I knew nothing about what any of that was, and I was ready, completely convinced I would get nothing but a clean bill of health with a strong suggestion to keep trying...

WRONG.  After an clean HSG and several ultrasounds to monitor my follicles, eggs, uterus, egg reserve and ovulation cycle, things looked good.  My hormone levels looked good.  My thyroid levels looked good.  My husbands numbers looked even better with double the quantity of good swimmers at high volumes (lucky).  The "only" thing was a "slightly" elevated Antinuclear Antibody, dual-pattern Homo 1:80 and Speckled 1:160.  I was told the levels were low, but that I needed to do further testing for Natural Killer (NKa) to make sure I didn't have some crazy cell that attacks an egg and prevents it from implanting or worse, attacks and rejects a developing fetus.  Wha?

Fast forward two weeks later and countless hours scouring the (GD) Internet and I was officially freaking out.  Once surprised and frightened by a cyst, I found myself in tears over the news of positive ANA levels, even though they are low.  And Natural Killer cells?  That just sounds awful.  I knew in my heart that's what it was.  I got the blood test and two days later found that they were, indeed, elevated (11.5) and whatever the hell that number means also, consequently, means that I have to go back and, yet again, speak with Dr. Putman for a $20 co-pay.  In our last session, he was already talking to us about IVIg in the event NKa's were positive and now, knowing the price tag, it's not going to be a pretty conversation.

I am horrified by how little information the medical community actually provides.  I completely understand that they, like everyone else, has to make a living, but it's a racket.  And the staff?  Ex: the nurse called me after getting results of my initial hormone level testing to let me know that "all my tests came back negative", to which I replied," they did!?!", to which she then replied, "yep".  And I thought that was that.  Well, it wasn't.  I know doctors can't possibly speak to every patient about every case, but it seems a bit counterproductive, maddening, irresponsible, and psychosis-inspiring to have a nurse call, give you a positive/negative result with no reference number, ratio, etc and no ability to answer a single question about said results. 

Now I am dealing with trying to get answers, like so many others.  It seems that that every new website, message board, community, blog offers more research, opinions, and options regarding some other condition in conjunction with something else, T regulators, CD56+, LIT, infusions, heparin, $25,000 out-of-pocket, out-of-network, costs with no real guarantee.  I am visiting yet another RE (yes, I am currently doc hopping) who looks promising at the SIRM center in Dallas.  They are supposedly phasing out IVIg and relying more in the Intralipid Infusions (thank you, Jesus, one little glimmer of cost-effective hope), so I am crossing my fingers that, with slightly elevated numbers like that, we find nothing else and I can be on my way to mommydom in no time.  My luck has never served me that well, so I am cautiously optimistic, to say the very least.  Meanwhile, I am embarking on a strenuously bland diet with what looks to be a long list of supplements to accompany it, in hopes of lower this god-awful NKa.
Am I annoyed?  Yes.  Am I sick about the possibility that I am actually (gulp) infertile??  Yes. 
Is everyone around me pregnant, some with multiples, some not even trying, some with NO business WHATSOEVER (my judgement call, I own it) procreating?  Yes, yes, yes.
Is every doctor I've seen shoving IVF, IUI, multiple prescriptions and injections down my throat and hopefully my uterus?  Yes, indeed.

I'm also wondering if it would be possible to trade and  just get that pesky fluid-filled cyst back...

5 inches of snow

Maybe after 4 days of ice and treacherous conditions, I should see the freshly lain snow as some kind of a metaphor.  I feel terrible.  After getting back some crazy antibody ANA test with some kind of elevated result ultimately leading to my infertility and repeated miscarriage, somehow I am not encouraged by the pretty snow.  Upon receiving my results, I went straight to the internets (stupid, stupid, stupid) and researched the hell out of this condition.  It became very apparent to me that there are two kind of people: people who can have tons of babies with no problem (even miracle stories, like getting pregnant while on Depo!  Joy!) and people with this affliction.  It's problematic, experimental, and very abstract in terms of treatment and diagnosis.  Ultimately, I may truly be facing what I feared most, but always talked about as if worse case scenario-speak would wish it away.  I may be infertile.  Not only infertile, but dangerous to my own body by concieving a child and surely losing it 6 weeks later.  It's not pretty.