Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back.

I still can't believe that I am even writing about our journey for a baby...well, someone else's, that is.  Thing are progressing surprisingly well.  We have had a ton of obstacles and, if I survive this, I am most likely going to write a book.  I will probably say this thousands of times throughout this struggle, but this is, by the furthest of far, the most insane thing I have ever done or will probably ever dream of doing.  I know, from the bottom of my heart, that we are the family for James.  He was doomed from his first breath, he was bound to become a lost child, and I know, with everything in me, that I can change that.  We have decided to utilize a private adoption agency.  How we found these people, I will never know.  We just so happened to find the only state-funded, no-fee adoption agency that I have ever even heard of.  They are based in Houston and they have, so far, been a miracle in this situation.  She has basically assured me we will have him in about a month.  I am not completely sold on that and am trying not to get my hopes up, but if that's the truth, I feel like every dream I have ever had will have come true.  I wish I could go to bed tonight and wake up and it's the day I get to paint the nursery or go shopping for baby clothes, or even the day James gets here.  I already love this child so much already, I don't see how it's possible. 

Besides the downside in all of this, the countless phone calls, new bumps and barriers, the waiting, and the courts, I will say that my biggest disappointment in both the TTC and TTA (trying to adopt) thus far is my friends.  I am far from perfect, in the past I have betrayed people, I have been dishonest, I have done nasty things to people I care about, so I'll just get that right out of the way.  But I have been a good friend to the people I love.  I listen, I support, I defend, and I uplift, I advocate for, I mourn with, and stick by my friends when they need me.  I don't believe I'm a person who puts myself first when a friend is hurting.  Unfortunately, these traits have not been reciprocated...not even kind of.  My friends are all busy with their own children, busy with their own single lives, or have been just plain disinterested.  I honestly have heard more appalling things and observed more bad behavior in this year than I have in my entire 32 years.  The upside is that I now know who to trust and who will never get a single minute more of my time, the downside is, it hurts.  I struggle with writing F-off letters on pretty much a daily basis.  My friends will ask how I'm doing, but they don't care.  Just today I spoke with one of my best friends from college and told her about the new developments with James.  Brief history: she and I got pregnant 4 weeks apart.  I lost the baby a month later, but she did not.  She had her beautiful, happy, healthy boy and has not stop complaining about it since.  She complained throughout the entire pregnancy up until the day she delivered, she complained about the delivery and she hasn't stopped complaining about the infant.  And it's not like she doesn't know about my struggle with losing a baby that would have been here by now and it is not like she doesn't know about my struggle with infertility.  So, when I told her about James and the whole insanity, she couldn't have cared less.  She even told me she "hopes everything works out" in the most lack luster manner, I probably would have shaken her had we been in person.  Hard. 

I will never, I repeat, treat a friend like that.  It's appalling.  If it was one person, okay, I would maybe look within and find a reason I deserve that and try to take a lesson from it.  If it was two, three, okay.  But no.  Every single friend of mine with kids couldn't possibly care less.  I will never, ever, ever, ever forget may struggle and I will never treat someone the way I have been treated.  Good thing I don't mind writing people off and even better thing I have a new built-in group of friends with my RESOLVE group. 

But I will not be writing anyone off before I have a huge, gigantic baby shower and I will invite EVERYONE.  I will have a ridiculously large registry without a single milligram of guilt.  I can't wait to pick which "friend" I will inconvenience by having her throw it.  I will make it extra long, I will guilt every friend who says she may not be able to attend, and I will make it promptly at noon, right smack in the middle of a Saturday, just as they have done with all of their little showers past.  <3

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