Wednesday, May 11, 2011

6:14 a.m. and more (lack of) baby woes

It's early.  But my mind is definitely switched 'on'. Pretty normal.  Before TTC, I slept pretty well and my mind could relax somewhat.  Now, no dice.  From the minute I get up to pee, around 4:15am, I'm in full-swing. 

I am so troubled and confused lately about why I am not pregnant.  I've gone over and over it my head, but I just don't get it.  Yes, I have made many mistakes, but those were different times and things are better now.  I can't wrap my head around why I was able to get pregnant in August and haven't really been able to since.  I was not dreaming the positive POAS, it really happened.  So, why can't I get one now?  At this point, I don't even think I would get ahead of myself and think "baby" if I saw one, but would simply be relieved that I am, at the very least, capable of conceiving.  And the intralipids.  Been doing those for 2 months now and still nothing. I go back and forth with the whole prednisone thing.  Some say it works, some say it's terrible, and I couldn't get a straight answer from my doctor if I was holding my .380 to his head.  Saleh says prednisone isn't even necessary with ANA's.  In fact, Saleh says that with aspirin and intralipids, and of course IVF, I should have an 80% chance of conceiving.  So, in theory, if the aspirin and intralipids are the answer, I do not, technically speaking, need the why the BFN's?

In other news, we are still in the fight for Baby James.  Cautiously optimistic, but in it, nonetheless.  We have a hearing on May 31st, where our agency says we have a strong chance of getting custody of James, but like I said, cautiously optimistic.  If infertility has taught me one thing (well, 2938745 things), it's taught me not to get my hopes up.  So, it's a bit hard to stay focused and plan on having him here when there are no real guarantees and when I have no control, whatsoever, over the state of Oklahoma, ICPC, or even my private adoption agency.  So, I wait. 

And then there's the whole custody thing.  Of course I will be overjoyed to have James here, but is he even mine?  How to deal with the fear, everyday, of having him taken away just as quickly as he got here.  Do I: go all-out with the nursery , have a baby shower (which I so deserve), send out announcements, play like he's mine?  Chances are he won't go back to his POS mother.  She has taken care of that all by her junkie self with the 9 substances she decided to pump in to her system prior to James' debut, so she most likely will not be scheduling playdates or his birthday parties any time soon. 

Everything seems so out of reach.  Nursing school, pregnancy, James, adopting any other babies, happiness.  Good news is J is getting a raise and has another job offer if he doesn't get the number he wants, so it looks like we're going to be okay in the money department.  Now if we just had a baby to blow it all on...

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