Waiting. A real nightmare.

I f*cking hate waiting.  Who doesn't though.  I don't think I know a single person who lists "waiting" as a hobby on their Facebook profile.  I don't know anyone who says "I just love waiting--the thrill, the excitement, the anxiety--just the best!"  If I did, I would probably punch them.  Waiting sucks sucks sucks. 

We've had so many ups and downs in this entire baby process, it's bizarre to even look back and believe it's actually my life.  Starting with getting pregnant the first month we tried, the miscarriages, all of the research, countless tears, depression, no luck in months and then James?  I am so overwhelmed with the thought of having or not having a baby here next week, it's sickening.  The whole scenery changes every hour.  Some conversations we win, some conversations we lose.  How we've even come this far, I will never know.

I have to be happy, though. How often does a chance like this just fall in to a person's lap?  Fertility struggles and then, poof!, out of nowhere an attainable baby just appears?  As much as I hate Mary for what she has done to James and two her other two children removed by the state, I have to love her, somehow, for being such a fertile monster.  I've said it before and I'll say it again:  apparently a steady, well-maintained diet of crack, meth, prescription drugs, marijuana, alcohol, promiscuous sex when high, promiscuous sex for money, and promiscuous sex for drugs may just be the fertility's best kept secret!  This woman had never taken a single pre-natal vitamin, visited a doctor, or laid off the pipe for a day and had 3 seemingly healthy children.  Life is such a mind f*ck, huh?  How?  I can't be too bitter about it, seeing I may just be reaping the benefits of her disgusting lifestyle, but seriously, how?  I believe it may be possible that my body's system is an absolute scientific opposite to Mary's.  Up until this whole fight, I hadn't eaten wheat, gluten, dairy, soy, fried foods, meat, alcohol or coffee in months (you'll notice I said "up until"...I have been drinking just to get to sleep most days now) and I can't even get a single positive BFP, much less a healthy infant!  Obviously, that's all beyond the realm and powers of my mental capacity.  Oh, and I cancelled my infusion for this month.  Along with going back to some of my normal eating and drinking habits (I WILL be going back to pizza, healthy pizza, but pizza and, of course, wine.  I haven't stepped back in to coffee, soy, or wheat, though), I figured what's the point?  A)  If by some miracle, we get James, I don't need to stress and push my body to concieve, and B) again, if we get James, it's going to be alot to deal with, at least at first, so I don't want to add stress to an already chancey pregnancy.  Wishful thinking I know, but I think it makes me feel better and I am enjoying not having to temp, check CM's, and monitor like crazy.  I realize this is similar to when a guy doesn't call you after he says he will, so you then call him to let him know not to call you anymore.  Sigh. 

Anyway, we're working like mad to get the states to communicate with one another so we can move James across state lines.  I love that whole process...like we're taking him half-way across the globe to Zaire or something.  Isn't Texas almost the same state as Oklahoma?  I mean, really.  On a positive note, I have learned so much.  I am actually pretty articulate about this process and can even hold my own against an Oklahoma Department of Human Services supervisor in a custody discussion.  Who knew?  A degree in Communication Disorders and one Rookie of the Year trophy for a Fortune 500 may have actually paid off.  Anyone out there who needs help navigating the ICPC process when trying to adopt a child across state lines, just give me a call. 

Meanwhile, the nursery is not finished.  It's hasn't even started.  I don't dare buy a single item because, while things aren't secure and solidified, I know the pain.  We started setting things up last time we had a baby and when I lost it, the room was forever known as "the baby's room" and I just do not think I can deal with that again.  Do I know exactly what colors and theme I want?  Do I know what pictures I want framed above his crib?  Do I know exactly which crib? Have I spent countless hours pouring over modern baby nursery pages, IKEA, and Etsy for ideas?  Yes, I'll admit, I have.  I know EXACTLY how I want this nursery to look and EXACTLY the mood I want to set.  I have every single little element picked out...it's going to be so cute!  If we could just get permission to pick him up this weekend, I would be able to easily pass the time for the next few days by running all over town to get his room set up.  Or, if we knew he was coming on Tuesday, I could spend this long weekend preparing and making this absolutely perfect....

....But I don't.  Because we wait.