What a difference a year makes.

Ok, now life is complete...

Has it really been 2 weeks?

There are no words to describe my life since June 16th, 2011.  A) I have a son, B) I no longer sleep, C) my life is fully complete, and D) everything I thought I knew or had figured out is now null and void.

We met our caseworker at 4pm on Friday the 16th and she handed James over.  In the hours leading up to the meeting, I started freaking out about everything (I know, a little late).  I had been so obsessed with getting him here, fighting with the state, worrying about Mary and James' potential fathers, that I had not really stopped to think about what we were actually taking on.  Not to say, I hadn't considered the responsibility (heavily), I have twin 1 year-old nephews and I have been heavily involved in their care since the day they were born and I, myself, am the oldest of 4, so I know what it means to care for a baby.  I just started questioning myself and the entire process.  Will he be hooked up to wires? Look crazy?  Be cracked out?  I had not even seen a picture of this 4 month old little miracle, so I started panicing....

...But all of that evaporated when Shelley opened the door of her back seat and there, all diapered and pacified, was sweet Baby James.

Oh my.  It was beyond love at first sight...I knew I already loved him, but...oh my.  The instant I put him in the car seat and our eyes met, he smiled, cooed, and my life was complete. 

What has ensued since then is nothing short of a tornado, a hurricane, an earthquake, and a tsunami, all rolled in to one.  Some good, some bad, some exhausting, some heartbreaking, but all amazing.  He is my everything.  I feel like I can't remember anything prior to June 16th.  Everything I thought I knew about babies, and life, for that matter, are out the window.  I don't know if I'm a good mom or not.  I feed him, I hold him, I change him, I rock him to sleep, I snuggle with him, I comfort him, so I hope I am.  Either way, it's a dream come true.

Thanks to all for the kind words of encouragement and support.  I feel so blessed.

Something I never thought I would say...

I am having a baby tomorrow.  Well..I'm getting a baby tomorrow.  It still has not hit me that this is my last day before I'm a mom.  This has been the wildest adventure/heartache/heart attack/stressor/joy of my life, thus far. 

I live my life in limbo, it seems.

My friend, Colin, likes to give nicknames.  I don't know why, but it's actually pretty funny.  He named me DJ Limbo, probably because I used to be a crazy party girl, not because I was ever quiet or reserved about any opinions or was ever on-the-fence about anything at all. 

But what a foreshadow.  Kind of a dumb thought, but this is a blog, so I noted it.

The update: we went to our hearing last week and it went wonderfully.  I actually really don't see how it could have gone better.  Our attorney was fantastic, the state agreed with us, and Mary didn't even bother to show up for the hearing, so we thought we were good.  A potential father did show up, which we knew he would, but he is an unemployed, drug addict himself, so even if he is the father, which he's not because he's not even the same color as James, he has some pretty serious hoops to jump through, so we're proceeding until we are told not to.  So the judge orders James in to our custody once our ICPC clears in Texas because it's only going to be a matter of days until that is finished.  She told the state to give the foster family notice, do what they needed to do, and the minute confirmation of a clear ICPC came back, we could go get him.  Great, right?

Well, the state is now saying that they will not tell the foster parents anything until a clear ICPC comes back.  The foster parents then get 5 days from the notice to get him ready or to object.  I don't know if they will, and I don't know why they would, considering we're relatives, but they would be really stupid to, I'll tell you that much.  Either way, the state is completely ignoring the judge's orders and dragging their feet like only they can do.

So what did I do?  Probably screwed everything up because I politely asked the state to go ahead and give the foster family notice, to which, they refused to do, so I called the person who manages operations for the state and kindly asked him to look in to this policy for me.  I hope he forgets to do this.  I really don't want to piss the state off since they were so readily in our corner.  I wasn't crazy and fired up and I complimented the state on how nice and communicative they have been with us, so hopefully that gets expressed in addition to the "what the f*ck is going on here" inquiry.  I am so impatient and I truly hope this hasn't lit and burned all of my efforts over the last month.  That would be just like me, not to be able to wait another week, and to mess the whole thing up and not get James at all.  I blame infertility for my impatience. 

Meanwhile, I look like a complete child predator because I have so much baby crap in my house right now, it's unimaginable.  I go to Buy Buy Baby as a 113 pound woman who shows no signs of pregnancy whatsoever, with a carseat in hand in hopes of finding a stroller that fits it.  When the salesperson asks how old my baby is, I love to freak them out by replying, "Oh, I don't have a baby".  hehe.  We went ahead and started accumulating gear on the high of the judges decision and kind words for us.  I decided better to just think positively and move forward rather than get the call to pick him up and be totally unprepared.  The nursery is cute but it makes my heart hurt.  I don't have James and I am not pregnant, per my pregnancy test this morning (2 days late....grrr). 

What a strange microcosm in which I find myself.  No baby after trying for a solid year.  Then baby magically appears, ripe for the taking, and I still have no baby.  I have this overwhelming fear and anxiety that I will have to return every single piece of furniture, bedding, and baby junk I have bought and go on without him.  I can see him here, I can see our little family, and I can see my life complete, but nothing seems to ever work out like that for me.  Believe me, I'm not playing the victim card, but you don't know the countless adventures and heartaches I've had with things that are supposed to be easy and are supposed to be relatively simple.  I guess those situations have made me who I am today, but I would love love love a free pass on this one.  I would love to be able to get the call today that ICPC is all clear and we could go get him on Tuesday of next week...but I doubt that's going to happen, even though technically and legally, that's how it should happen! 

I have a phone consult with Dr. Saleh tomorrow regarding further immune testing.  I will probably do all of the testing now just so I can get some further information.  For what, though, I do not know.  I can't afford IVIg, I will not be traveling to Mexico for LIT, I hate steroids and IVF won't help me.  I guess I would just like more explanation for my own piece of mind since, in theory, I should already be pregnant, given the steps I was instructed to take.  Saleh wanted me to do micro-IVF and told me that with aspirin, intralipids, and IVF I could get pregnant.  Well, I did the aspirin and did the intralipids and we all know I don't need help with fertilization, so in theory, I should be pregnant.  But I'm not.  Of course.  So I suppose I want to know more.  TH1/TH2, TNF, cytokine ratio, LAD, etc.  All of the things I BEGGED Putman to test, but he said "no need".  Where would I be had I stayed with that idiot?  3 IUI's in the hole with nothing to show for it?  What a joke.  I can't see Saleh finding anything all that striking, considering my elevated NK's and ANA are only BARELY elevated in the first place (yet another cruel joke).  It's just so perplexing to think about how long it's been since I've actually been pregnant. 

I still never could have dreamed any part of this would be happening to me.  But it is.  So I wait...in limbo.

Waiting. A real nightmare.

I f*cking hate waiting.  Who doesn't though.  I don't think I know a single person who lists "waiting" as a hobby on their Facebook profile.  I don't know anyone who says "I just love waiting--the thrill, the excitement, the anxiety--just the best!"  If I did, I would probably punch them.  Waiting sucks sucks sucks. 

We've had so many ups and downs in this entire baby process, it's bizarre to even look back and believe it's actually my life.  Starting with getting pregnant the first month we tried, the miscarriages, all of the research, countless tears, depression, no luck in months and then James?  I am so overwhelmed with the thought of having or not having a baby here next week, it's sickening.  The whole scenery changes every hour.  Some conversations we win, some conversations we lose.  How we've even come this far, I will never know.

I have to be happy, though. How often does a chance like this just fall in to a person's lap?  Fertility struggles and then, poof!, out of nowhere an attainable baby just appears?  As much as I hate Mary for what she has done to James and two her other two children removed by the state, I have to love her, somehow, for being such a fertile monster.  I've said it before and I'll say it again:  apparently a steady, well-maintained diet of crack, meth, prescription drugs, marijuana, alcohol, promiscuous sex when high, promiscuous sex for money, and promiscuous sex for drugs may just be the fertility's best kept secret!  This woman had never taken a single pre-natal vitamin, visited a doctor, or laid off the pipe for a day and had 3 seemingly healthy children.  Life is such a mind f*ck, huh?  How?  I can't be too bitter about it, seeing I may just be reaping the benefits of her disgusting lifestyle, but seriously, how?  I believe it may be possible that my body's system is an absolute scientific opposite to Mary's.  Up until this whole fight, I hadn't eaten wheat, gluten, dairy, soy, fried foods, meat, alcohol or coffee in months (you'll notice I said "up until"...I have been drinking just to get to sleep most days now) and I can't even get a single positive BFP, much less a healthy infant!  Obviously, that's all beyond the realm and powers of my mental capacity.  Oh, and I cancelled my infusion for this month.  Along with going back to some of my normal eating and drinking habits (I WILL be going back to pizza, healthy pizza, but pizza and, of course, wine.  I haven't stepped back in to coffee, soy, or wheat, though), I figured what's the point?  A)  If by some miracle, we get James, I don't need to stress and push my body to concieve, and B) again, if we get James, it's going to be alot to deal with, at least at first, so I don't want to add stress to an already chancey pregnancy.  Wishful thinking I know, but I think it makes me feel better and I am enjoying not having to temp, check CM's, and monitor like crazy.  I realize this is similar to when a guy doesn't call you after he says he will, so you then call him to let him know not to call you anymore.  Sigh. 

Anyway, we're working like mad to get the states to communicate with one another so we can move James across state lines.  I love that whole process...like we're taking him half-way across the globe to Zaire or something.  Isn't Texas almost the same state as Oklahoma?  I mean, really.  On a positive note, I have learned so much.  I am actually pretty articulate about this process and can even hold my own against an Oklahoma Department of Human Services supervisor in a custody discussion.  Who knew?  A degree in Communication Disorders and one Rookie of the Year trophy for a Fortune 500 may have actually paid off.  Anyone out there who needs help navigating the ICPC process when trying to adopt a child across state lines, just give me a call. 

Meanwhile, the nursery is not finished.  It's hasn't even started.  I don't dare buy a single item because, while things aren't secure and solidified, I know the pain.  We started setting things up last time we had a baby and when I lost it, the room was forever known as "the baby's room" and I just do not think I can deal with that again.  Do I know exactly what colors and theme I want?  Do I know what pictures I want framed above his crib?  Do I know exactly which crib? Have I spent countless hours pouring over modern baby nursery pages, IKEA, and Etsy for ideas?  Yes, I'll admit, I have.  I know EXACTLY how I want this nursery to look and EXACTLY the mood I want to set.  I have every single little element picked out...it's going to be so cute!  If we could just get permission to pick him up this weekend, I would be able to easily pass the time for the next few days by running all over town to get his room set up.  Or, if we knew he was coming on Tuesday, I could spend this long weekend preparing and making this absolutely perfect....

....But I don't.  Because we wait.

6:14 a.m. and more (lack of) baby woes

It's early.  But my mind is definitely switched 'on'. Pretty normal.  Before TTC, I slept pretty well and my mind could relax somewhat.  Now, no dice.  From the minute I get up to pee, around 4:15am, I'm in full-swing. 

I am so troubled and confused lately about why I am not pregnant.  I've gone over and over it my head, but I just don't get it.  Yes, I have made many mistakes, but those were different times and things are better now.  I can't wrap my head around why I was able to get pregnant in August and haven't really been able to since.  I was not dreaming the positive POAS, it really happened.  So, why can't I get one now?  At this point, I don't even think I would get ahead of myself and think "baby" if I saw one, but would simply be relieved that I am, at the very least, capable of conceiving.  And the intralipids.  Been doing those for 2 months now and still nothing. I go back and forth with the whole prednisone thing.  Some say it works, some say it's terrible, and I couldn't get a straight answer from my doctor if I was holding my .380 to his head.  Saleh says prednisone isn't even necessary with ANA's.  In fact, Saleh says that with aspirin and intralipids, and of course IVF, I should have an 80% chance of conceiving.  So, in theory, if the aspirin and intralipids are the answer, I do not, technically speaking, need the IVF....so why the BFN's?

In other news, we are still in the fight for Baby James.  Cautiously optimistic, but in it, nonetheless.  We have a hearing on May 31st, where our agency says we have a strong chance of getting custody of James, but like I said, cautiously optimistic.  If infertility has taught me one thing (well, 2938745 things), it's taught me not to get my hopes up.  So, it's a bit hard to stay focused and plan on having him here when there are no real guarantees and when I have no control, whatsoever, over the state of Oklahoma, ICPC, or even my private adoption agency.  So, I wait. 

And then there's the whole custody thing.  Of course I will be overjoyed to have James here, but is he even mine?  How to deal with the fear, everyday, of having him taken away just as quickly as he got here.  Do I: go all-out with the nursery , have a baby shower (which I so deserve), send out announcements, play like he's mine?  Chances are he won't go back to his POS mother.  She has taken care of that all by her junkie self with the 9 substances she decided to pump in to her system prior to James' debut, so she most likely will not be scheduling playdates or his birthday parties any time soon. 

Everything seems so out of reach.  Nursing school, pregnancy, James, adopting any other babies, happiness.  Good news is J is getting a raise and has another job offer if he doesn't get the number he wants, so it looks like we're going to be okay in the money department.  Now if we just had a baby to blow it all on...

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back.

I still can't believe that I am even writing about our journey for a baby...well, someone else's, that is.  Thing are progressing surprisingly well.  We have had a ton of obstacles and, if I survive this, I am most likely going to write a book.  I will probably say this thousands of times throughout this struggle, but this is, by the furthest of far, the most insane thing I have ever done or will probably ever dream of doing.  I know, from the bottom of my heart, that we are the family for James.  He was doomed from his first breath, he was bound to become a lost child, and I know, with everything in me, that I can change that.  We have decided to utilize a private adoption agency.  How we found these people, I will never know.  We just so happened to find the only state-funded, no-fee adoption agency that I have ever even heard of.  They are based in Houston and they have, so far, been a miracle in this situation.  She has basically assured me we will have him in about a month.  I am not completely sold on that and am trying not to get my hopes up, but if that's the truth, I feel like every dream I have ever had will have come true.  I wish I could go to bed tonight and wake up and it's the day I get to paint the nursery or go shopping for baby clothes, or even the day James gets here.  I already love this child so much already, I don't see how it's possible. 

Besides the downside in all of this, the countless phone calls, new bumps and barriers, the waiting, and the courts, I will say that my biggest disappointment in both the TTC and TTA (trying to adopt) thus far is my friends.  I am far from perfect, in the past I have betrayed people, I have been dishonest, I have done nasty things to people I care about, so I'll just get that right out of the way.  But I have been a good friend to the people I love.  I listen, I support, I defend, and I uplift, I advocate for, I mourn with, and stick by my friends when they need me.  I don't believe I'm a person who puts myself first when a friend is hurting.  Unfortunately, these traits have not been reciprocated...not even kind of.  My friends are all busy with their own children, busy with their own single lives, or have been just plain disinterested.  I honestly have heard more appalling things and observed more bad behavior in this year than I have in my entire 32 years.  The upside is that I now know who to trust and who will never get a single minute more of my time, the downside is, it hurts.  I struggle with writing F-off letters on pretty much a daily basis.  My friends will ask how I'm doing, but they don't care.  Just today I spoke with one of my best friends from college and told her about the new developments with James.  Brief history: she and I got pregnant 4 weeks apart.  I lost the baby a month later, but she did not.  She had her beautiful, happy, healthy boy and has not stop complaining about it since.  She complained throughout the entire pregnancy up until the day she delivered, she complained about the delivery and she hasn't stopped complaining about the infant.  And it's not like she doesn't know about my struggle with losing a baby that would have been here by now and it is not like she doesn't know about my struggle with infertility.  So, when I told her about James and the whole insanity, she couldn't have cared less.  She even told me she "hopes everything works out" in the most lack luster manner, I probably would have shaken her had we been in person.  Hard. 

I will never, I repeat, treat a friend like that.  It's appalling.  If it was one person, okay, I would maybe look within and find a reason I deserve that and try to take a lesson from it.  If it was two, three, okay.  But no.  Every single friend of mine with kids couldn't possibly care less.  I will never, ever, ever, ever forget may struggle and I will never treat someone the way I have been treated.  Good thing I don't mind writing people off and even better thing I have a new built-in group of friends with my RESOLVE group. 

But I will not be writing anyone off before I have a huge, gigantic baby shower and I will invite EVERYONE.  I will have a ridiculously large registry without a single milligram of guilt.  I can't wait to pick which "friend" I will inconvenience by having her throw it.  I will make it extra long, I will guilt every friend who says she may not be able to attend, and I will make it promptly at noon, right smack in the middle of a Saturday, just as they have done with all of their little showers past.  <3

I don't even know how to title this post

So there have been some interesting developments on the homefront.  Well, I guess when I say "interesting", I mean "heartbreaking", "hopeful", "frustrating" developments.  Interestingly enough, it's been so interesting that I haven't thought about infertility for over 24 hours, which is nice.  This is a long post, but I want to document, just in case things work out in the end. 

(Big deep breath in...exhale, deep breath out)
Brief history: J's cousin is and has been a meth addict for about 10 years.  She has had numerous children who have, subsequently, been taken from her and who she never sees.  She got pregnant again and showed up at the hospital, not having ever seen a doctor for this pregnancy and all the while smoking/shooting God knows what, in labor.  She has the baby, stays over night, and leaves--without him.  Obviously, charges are pressed, the baby is mandated to the state and is currently in the custody of a foster home. 

So I could go and get the baby right?  Wrong.  J's bitch sister ("bitch" actually doesn't even come close to what I would like to call her) doesn't tell us for 2 months!  It's not like we stay in touch with the drug addict, J hadn't spoken with her in almost 8 years.  But his sister lives in the same state and stays in close contact with the junkie's sister, so of course she knew exactly what was going on.  So the state has been searching for relatives to take the baby...but we weren't called.  (I will go in to how angry, violent, and disgusted I am at this at a later date. See post: My evil in-laws).  After I thought about it, I jumped on this just to see where I could get.  Don't get me wrong, we're trying and I would love to have a baby on my own, but the truth is, I really don't give a flip where it comes from. I mean it, bring a baby to my house.  No need to leave instructions.  I will send my husband to the store for some diapers and formula and we are set.  So, this might be the perfect answer to my prayers.  He is only 2 months old, born on Valentine's Day, and his name is James.  So after I cried about it for a minute, I went to work.  I dug around, made calls, and dumped my situation on any government worker who would listen.  Unfortunately, I started my search on a Friday afternoon and well, let's face it, these people are overworked and underpaid, and I'm fairly certain they're not staying late on a Friday night.  I left what felt like several hundred messages and desperately needed to hear back from the social worker on the case.  Apparently, everyone does and that's the part that holds up the process.  So after scouring the web for a good part of the night and early morning, here are the facts:
1.  James is in foster care and the people want to adopt him, but they are not related to us/him in any way.
2.  He has been with them for most of the time he has been alive, so that might be tough.
3.  We do qualify as relatives in Oklahoma and the state (and everyone else I spoke with) seems to be of the belief that it is in the child's best interest to reside with the family.  Yea!  1 point for us.
4.  The downside is the fact that we live in a different state, so we will have to get a totally separate agency involved in the process and this can take forever.  -1 point for us.
5.  The father does not want to be involved, but does want to see James in a good home.  +1 for us
6.  The mother has already had 2 children removed from her custody and she is still using, so her rights are most likely terminated.  +1 point for us.

And on and on and on.  We have a few connections, one in particular that is one of five top attorneys in OK who specialize in cases like this.  We are waiting to hear back from him because, supposedly, he can give us our chances of getting James and what the time frame might look like.  Another attorney seems to think we could file some kind of emergency kinship injunction and get him soon, but after the last 24 hours of researching, pleading, googling, and sobbing, I can't see it being that easy, nor will I count on it. 

I know this all seems pretty crazy, but I don't care.  Something is telling me it's right.  I just wish we had been considered from the beginning because he might already be here by now.  He might already know me somewhat and we could be bonding.  But life is always crazy when it comes to me, so I am hoping with every single cell in my body that we can get James here as soon as humanly possible.  I already feel like he's mine.  I woke up crying this morning because I have no clue where he is and whether or not he is actually being cared for properly and if he is healthy.  Fingers so crossed, they hurt. 

Where is the love?

1 dpo with intralipids

I think the thing  I am most shocked about during this entire infertility "journey" is how other people, namely my own friends and family, have reacted to it.  Some haven't even reacted, they choose to ignore it.  Maybe they don't know what to say, maybe they don't care about me, but it's baffling, nonetheless.
Family:

My 24 year old, punk ass, drop-out brother tells me that I just need to get on with my life.  He says he loves me and wants to see me happy and that I should "just adopt".  Oh!  I hadn't thought of that!  I should get online and order a baby...good idea!

My relationship with my mother is basically non-existent.  She is a narcissistic predator who couldn't care less about anyone.  But she knows about my struggle and does not say one thing to me about it.  In true narcissistic fashion, she has four kids, so who cares?  I even called her (which NEVER happends...blech.) and told her about the immune results because, at first, it looked like a Lupus dx and she has had some of the issues they asked me about.  She acted concerned for me for about 26 seconds and then launched in to this long, bullshit diatribe about how great her health is and blah,blah,blah.  Like I said, typical narcissist, aka Wizard of Lies. 

My pseudo-mother is the person closest to me and even she doesn't give a shit.  Sure, she'll ask me about it, but I have about a minute and a half to say what I need to before she either a) compares something I say to someone or something totally unrelated, or b) starts talking about her own daughter and her amazing will twins and how great they are, what funny thing they did, how many shits they took today, etc.  It's really great.

My dad hasn't said a single word about it.  He is a head case.  We talked on the day I was in the emergency room having a miscarriage and made this big production to others about my whole immune dx, but he doesn't say a single word to me, doesn't ask how I'm doing, and now, doesn't even talk to me...not because I've done something wrong, but because I'm sure he, like others, don't know what to say.

My best friend says nothing.  She'll listen if and when we actually talk.  Her phone calls got mysteriously less and less frequent when I got the "unexplained infertility" brand. She's not married, lives with her parents, and doesn't want kids, so I can understand why she wouldn't care, but it's still F'd up.  I mean, I am married, I don't live with my parents, and I do want children and somehow I'm able to be interested in her life, problems, feelings, etc.  She didn't even send me flowers or check on me when I did have the miscarriage. 

Other close friends say nothing.  There are several that know the situation in detail and don't care.  Why?  Because they have their own children and their own pregnancies to worry about.  They're the ones who give the great advice like "just have more sex", "just get IVF", "relax and don't think about it" and other priceless gems of sympathy and guidance. 

At this point, I almost wish something bad on some of these things.  I know that sounds gross and evil, but it's true.  I don't wish them harm or for anything life-threatening to come their way, but some kind of real struggle so they could get an ounce of perspective.  I mean, Jesus Christ, I don't understand how people can be so self-absorbed. 

Here's a taste of a text convo I've recently had with a friend:
Friend: "Are u mad at me?"
Me: "No."
Friend:  "How's the baby thing going?"
Me:  "Uh, the baby thing is not going as I am not yet pregnant."
Friend:  "Aw, sorry dude.  Can you come by and see the baby this week?"

And so the "conversation" goes.  Appalling.  I'm about to snap though.  I am about to send every person I know a master fuck-off letter, explaining their cruelty and selfishness and then I'm going to be done with it.  I don't care if I only have my husband at the end of all of this.  I know I won't because the infertility girls are becoming the only people I care to talk to, but besides that, it's been said that you know who your friends are when times get tough and well, I obviously don't know who my friends are. 

Good article from LA Times: http://www.latimes.com/health/la-he-my-turn-infertility-20110425,0,470341.story

New hopes and new fears

I cannot believe that I am only 3 months away from one official year of infertility.  Given my past, it's not only ironic, but cruel.  My lifestyle was my choice, but I feel that I have MORE THAN repaid the universe in just this year alone...my bank account has too!  Now that things are more on track, I am hopeful, once again, but still have that looming feeling that I may never see a positive pregnancy test again.  I think it's finally starting to hit poor Jason too.  We were in the car driving back from brunch on Sunday and the streets and parks were filled with kids and their Easter baskets.  We were, of course, talking about infertility, intralipids, etc. when he said, "why can't we just get pregnant?  I mean, really, nothing?!?"  I've never heard him say anything like that.  I feel like it's my fault.  Partly because I'm a woman and that's just in our genes, and partly because it very well may be.  I'm also starting to think that I need more testing done.  There's nothing we can really do if something insane turns up and we need IVIg, but we haven't undergone a single genetic test.  I think we have both agreed that we'll continue the intralipids for another 6 months or so, take a break, and then start talking about the strong possibility of IVF.  I sincererly hope it doesn't come to that because, in a way, I don't think that will work either.  So the battle rages on.  How is it that the years are slipping by so quickly, but my 2ww SLOWLY ticks by?

My Turn: What to expect when we're not yet expecting

My Turn: What to expect when we're not yet expecting

Great article. Wish I could text, fax, email and mail every single person I know this piece of literature. With the exception of my husband, I get little or no support and a ton of ridiculous and useless advice.

Positive OPK

It's the small things you have to celebrate when you're fighting infertility.  Hallelujah, got a positive reading on an OPK this morning.  Didn't get one after about 15 tests last month, so guess my Easter egg is on it's way.  So relieved.  I was trying not to think about it, but if that was screwed up, I am pretty sure a shooting spree was in order (not really).  Now fingers crossed for the next 10 days.  Should ovulate in the next day or two, J and I are in full swing, aspirin, intralipids take effect Friday, and fingers crossed for the next 7 days after that.  Come on, little Valentine's baby.  Or two, whatever. 

The sun is out.

And it wasn't yesterday.  What a terrible day.  A terrible, shitty, awful day.  Not for any particular reason other than what was going on in my own head.  For starters, I attended my first RESOLVE meeting on Wednesday night which was bittersweet.  It was awesome getting together with all of these women who are struggling and suffering through the exact same thing I am.  They have the same feelings, the same goal, the exact same disappointments.  That part is nice.  But on the flip-side, I look around and realize that I very well may never have a baby--none of us may.  I also have a terrible fear that they ALL will and I'll be the only one left behind.  We had three women who actually were pregnant, but were staying in the group until their first trimester, proving there is hope, but fueling my jealousy.  Side note: one woman shared her journey and ended the story by telling us that she was ten weeks pregnant with twins, which was great.  But she went too far when she announced that she would be starting her own "pregnant after infertility" group and then will go on to start a "mommy with multiples" group.  Uh, what?  I mean, excuse me, but did you NOT just hear the woman sitting directly across from you crying during her story about losing both of her twins, one at 7 weeks, one at 10 weeks, just 8 days ago????  How could someone do that?  I know, without a doubt, that, should I be lucky enough to carry a child and birth it, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER gloat about it.  Never.  What a bitch.  (sorry)

I have my own guilt about my past, mistakes I've made, my situation now and how small my problem is compared to some of the issues some of these women were facing.  Multiple failed IVF's, surrogacy hopes, age, cancer...I just couldn't shake it.  So I had a pity party yesterday.  All day long.  But today is a new day.  I just got my second infusion, which I'm actually considering my first after last months bullshit, and I love the nurse who comes to my house.  He is a big queen and he helps pass the time. No aspirin and no prednisone this month, so for now, my hopes are not high.  I am just hoping I ovulate on time, that will be a victory for me.  With multiple doctors looking at my profile, I have been told that there is no reason, whatsoever, stopping me from concieving.  I just need to get the NK and ANA level under control, so I still have some hope. 

Today I will be more joyful and more thankful.  One of the members of my group is not only 41, has 3 failed IVF's, but also lost her dad in December and just found out that her husband may have lymphoma!  When I hear stories like that, I realize I have no problems. 

Fresh from the oven. New cycle.

Thank you, Jesus.  I finally (FINALLY!) got my period on Friday and don't think I've ever been happier to see it.  Last month was a mess.  I don't even want to go in to how nuts I was going, but it was a mess.  My doctors office, and really the nurse, was harrassing me throughout this entire deal to come in and monitor my ovulation.  If anyone is looking for a good and aggressive salesman, they should call her, she is relentless.  Funny that I have never in my life had an ovulation problem and funny that they put me on what was giving me the problem, and even funnier that they now want me to come in and "monitor" aka pay $275 each for 4 sonograms to look at my follicle.  No thanks.  I never had a single problem before I started dealing with these idiots.  She also added that my doctor was "recommending IUI with the Intralipids this month"...this month?  Bitch, please do not act like you have had a specific conversation with him about me and that he has given some kind of special diagnosis.  He recommends IUI with Intralipids every month! And it's ridiculous to keep selling it to me because you can shoot the jimmys at my egg all you want, but it will not be around for long, once implanted, so give it a rest.  And I love the questions she asks me when I call to schedule the intralipids. Nurse: "Now, when did you end up getting your period?" Me: "Saturday",  then she begins counting like she has any say whatsoever on what day I get the intralipids (the doctor recommends giving it at ovulation, which is a huge crock of sh*t, and I insisted upon getting it when I wanted it and that gives them the major red ass).  I hate them.  I know it's bad energy to be negative and blah blah blah, but I hate them.  She talks baby talk to me throughout the entire conversation and I hate her. 

It's a new month, though, and I will get my 2nd infusion Friday.  I am not taking aspirin, so there is no reason to believe that I'll have any problems ovulating this month.  Although, if I do, I may rip my eyeballs out.  But no reason to think I will.  We'll see.

Cloudy with a chance of thunderstorms

I am an angry one today.  Partly because it stormed all freakin' night, partly because I had a 3-hour lab today, and partly because I am surely about to get my period and it's probably gonna be a doosey.  Damned aspirin! 

In other news, I was supposed to start my period yesterday, but did not.  But before you get too excited, please note that I'm taking 200mg of progesterone and this tends to delay it for a day or two.  I have taken 3 (lie, 5)  pregnancy tests and each and every one were BFN, of course.  Now, I am just cramping like crazy and waiting for this MF to arrive so I can have a glass of wine this weekend (first one in months!) and get on with my next cycle. 

Looking forward to getting out of this god-awful town this weekend.  Heading to Austin for relaxation, wine, and canoeing with J.  While the abortion/Planned Parenthood issue ensues, I will be basking in the clean air and warm sunshine of the ATX.  Thank you, Jesus. 

I have to be thankful I am alive today.  My childhood best friend would have been 32 today, she died at age 14.  I have no reason to complain about anything, not even infertility.

I have never been so jealous of a 2ww

That's simply because I don't have one this month.  Ugh.  I screwed everything up this month.  I am taking 200mg of progesterone just because.  I know it's not gonna help because I know I'm not pregnant.  My aunt, who is really more of a mother to me, told me that one of her friends was asking about me yesterday and that she really wished I would hurry up and have some babies. She also added that I would be the perfect mother and, get this, that my life would really be "complete" then.  Complete?  So, if I don't or if I can't, my life will never be complete?  What if I win the presidential race?  What if I inherit $345 million dollars?  What if I discover the cure for cancer?  You mean to tell me, after all that, my life will still not be complete?  Good god. 
I'm ready for this cycle to be over.  I can't workout because if I did and, by some miracle I did get pregnant this month (they would need to study me if I did), I would feel awful if I then lost it because of strenuous activity.  I can't drink, I can't have a cup of coffee.  I haven't picked up a cigarette in 6 years and I would even do that for some relief.  Can't do that either. 
I really hate fertility doctors.  I know, I know.  They're miracle workers.  It's just that I correspond with so many women who have seen countless doctors countless times and they are still completely lost.  Each doctor has a different answer or prescription for them and their so frustrated. 
And, would it be possible to, perhaps, put just ONE MORE billboard pertaining to maternity wards, best places to have a baby, containing cute slogas like "breathe easier", near my house?  It's not annoying at all.  Hell, maybe just put one on top of my house.  That would be great. Jesus, what an industry. 

Found: Egg waiting to release. Picked up at corner of aspirin and CD 17.

So pissed.  I have been taking baby aspirin for about 2 months and it F'ed me this month.  I have never, ever ovulated past CD 15 in my entire fertile life.  Well, this month I did. And I think I fudged the days to make myself feel better.  Either way I add or subtract, I will have less than 10 days of luteal this month.  I couldn't figure out why until I started researching baby aspirin and it's ability, in some cases, to inhibit ovulation.  Jesus. So I stopped takin the aspirin on CD 16 and, sure enough, all of the normal symptoms starting coming on and I am pretty sure I ovulated CD 18.  Why?  Because aspirin is an anti-inflammatory and the follicle has to inflame in order to release, signal uterine lining to produce progesterone, prepare for implantation, etc. So, my follie got somewhat inflamed, but not enough to release an egg so it just hung around.   I am angered.  This would be the month that I started intralipids and am in month 3 of a great diet.  And who knows what this means on pregnancy quality if it were to work.  I guess the bright side is that I don't technically have a 2ww...more like a 9-10ww.  I started progesterone yesterday in hopes of buying myself 2 extra days?  It just so happends that I started taking progesterone in November and December and my periods were 29 and 30 days apart, so I am hoping for a 30 day-er, but as anyone knows, I am never that lucky.  J and I starting "working" on about CD11 thinking I would O on CD13-14 per norm, so we were a bit sick of trying by yesterday, but he managed to put up a good and consistent effort, which pleases me. That being said,  I am so tired of all this.  I have no faith in doctors whatsoever.  I was instructed to take this every day with no mention of ovulatory issues, not even a caution.  I had to figure it out on my own and now I'm going to look like an idiot because I told them I wanted to do this on my timing and I didn't get pregnant.  F them though.  I am only using them for the prescription.  The minute I get BFP, if ever, I am going straight to my OBGYN for beta and beyond.  I will then write the master F off letter to one Dr. P and his nasty staff. 

So, scratching this month.  God, I need a drink.  There are few things I wouldn't do for a glass of pinot noir.

I turned 32. Did my egg disappear with my youth?

So as I've said many times before, I am so thankful that my cycle is still functioning like clockwork.  Somewhat.  I usually have a period on CD 28 around 9am and ovulate on CD 13-14.  Well, today is CD 14 and when I tested this morning, I was showing a high level, but not peak.  NOT PEAK.  Of course this has completely freaked me out.  I turned to Dr. Google, pouring over his many entries.  Followed with my many fertility books.  Luteal phase defect?  Endometriosis?  Crap!  I have been having, what I would call, some pretty heavy ovulation cramps (in fact, I am having them right now!) for the last 3 days, I'm bloated, but my boobs aren't sore.  Now, since we took time off, I can't remember exactly how I have felt during ovulation in the past, but this sure seems right, but no peak level?? 

I know it's not the end of the world, I'm sure ovulating on CD 15 is fine, but it's the CD16+ I'm worried about.  Maybe I just didn't ovulate this month, I know it's natural.  It would just seem very ironic that on the very month we start trying again and include a $200 intralipid, I don't ovulate.  Crap crap crap.

I got really depressed about it today, though.  I haven't felt that down since, well, the last 6 months of trying to concieve.  Taking a break was really a break for me.  I didn't have to think about peeing on sticks of any kind, charting, researching, cramps, twinges, implantation, sore boobs, metallic tastes.  You know.  The usual.  And I will have to say it was nice.  I get stressed just thinking about the TTC Game. 

Hopefully this will all be resolved in the morning when I see a full fertility bar and a little egg on my monitor.  Until then, I will most likely flip the F out.

Go, little egg, go!

Feeling bloated? Must be the thousand calorie infusion.

Had my first intralipids infusion on Monday.  Pretty uneventful, but my nurse was really nice.  Come to find out this little bag only really contains 4 cc's of the actual 20% intralipids, the rest is saline solution.  I still get fired up when I think about my lying, thieving doctor who wanted me to go to "their" clinic, (not even associated with his office or hospital in any way) and pay $700 per infusion.  Don't get me wrong, $200 is still highway robbery, considering the medication is only $75, but a 100% markup is just disgusting.  No real side effects, just a little headache, a cold arm, and feeling a little bloated afterward. 

On a sadder note, a girl from my fertility group lost, or I guess I could say "is losing", her second twin today.  She went in at 6 weeks, heard both heartbeats, then lost one.  She went to her 10 week checkup yesterday and no heartbeat on the second.  That makes me fall down.  I cannot imagine.  I think I would probably have to be committed, much less be willing to try again.  Ever.  I have read so many stories and try to stay positive, but that is just simply not fair. 

I have been thinking more and more about pregnancy and motherhood.  Yes, hard to believe that after obsessing for 8 months I could think about it MORE, but I have.  Despite the non-stop baby showers, sonogram pics, newborn announcements and babies every-freakin-where, I think I will be okay without one.  I love infants, but Jason and I have a great life.  I don't see it being less complete without a baby anymore than I see us being more complete with one.  No doubt I would like to know that my body is capable of holding and producing a fetus, but I look around at everyone pregnant or newly delivered and it looks scary.  Exciting, but scary.  So, while I continue to infuse, ingest a handful of pills, a cupful of herbs, and avoid dairy, gluten, wheat, alcohol, caffeine, fried foods, and sugar, I am not hell-bent on pregnancy anymore.  Could this be acceptance?  I am fairly certain I have cried all the tears I possibly can with miscarriages, failed attempts, and poor prognoses.  I will hope for the best. 

Ovulation window starts Saturday, so J and I will be home all weekend "preparing".  I can't imagine this thing would work on the first shot, but I'm more interested than anything to see if I could actual take control and conceive.  Like I said, I would be excited to just see a positive pregnancy test after 8 months.  We'll see.

Maternity Ward

So I went and visited my friend Lauren in the hospital yesterday.  She had her 7.5 baby boy and he was the cutest little peanut.  I went in, held him for a while, rubbed her feet and listened to the long and exciting story of how the little monkey came to be.  I was fine up until the lactation nurse came in.  She was so sweet, attentive, informative, and even funny.  I got teared up listening to her take Lauren through the whole processs because it hit me that I really actually may never lay in a hospital bed, hold my new baby, and listen to a lactation nurse take me through breastfeeding.  With intralipids less than a week away, I can't help but feel a calm like "all is well" and it's the magic potion and solution.  But what if it isn't?  It would be just my luck to have gone in to my doctor with pages of tests to ask him about, only to have him reject all of them, go through the entire IL process and not get pregnant.  THEN we'll find out something else is wrong. 

I'm pretty over the whole pregnancy lust anyway.  Of course I want a baby, but it is so freakin' exhausting going through the pain, the loss, and then seeing the countless pregnant women and new babies everywhere.  Of course I had to see a woman being wheeled out with her newborn leaving the hospital right as I walked in yesterday.  Of course.  I saw three more pregnant women in the lobby.  It's never-ending.  So it's utterly exhausting.

I'm ready to get infused.  I'm ready to see if it works and I am SO ready to finally see a positive pregnancy test again.