No coffee, no cream, no sugar

3rd morning without coffee and really mourning the loss.  There has to be something really terrible about coffee if you only drink one measly cup a day and you feel like death, literal deterioration of your soul, if you don't have that drug after one or two days.  The green tea helps, but like methodone for a smack addict, it just ain't the same. *sigh*

On a high note, I found an infertility support group through Dallas Resolve and it looks great.  I figure since every single person around me is either with-child or has-child, I may need to get some new allies.  Also registered for a seminar through SIRM, aka my next stop if TCM doesn't work, and, while it's most likely going to be the usual medical BS, excuses, and thrusting of out-of-pocket IVF down throat, I would like a preview of the people I'm going to be dealing with and, bonus, they are drawing each day for a free IVF cycle giveaway.  Although, if I won it, I would strongly consider giving it to someone more deserving.  Don't get me wrong, I am completely obsessed with having a baby, I just don't know if I'm going to put my body through that and I know that would die to have it.  Anyway...

I had a breakdown last night about this diet.  I know it sounds stupid, but gluten-free, dairy-free, and high alkaline?  Look in to this if you don't believe me.  I am already a vegetarian with the exception of fish (which, ironically enough, is pretty much a no no on this thing), so unless I want to eat bok choy, wheatgrass, and turnip root for every single meal, I am pretty much going to starve to death.  So I cried.  My husband has to think I am about to go right over the edge.  Going to Sprouts today to see what I can do and get myself together for a better week next week.

I'm still very discouraged, to say the least, by the lack of concrete answers out there.  If I had every test suggested, I sincerely believe I would have no blood left.  My body would simply stop producing it, like "uh, are you gonna use this or just keep giving it away?"   The more I look around, the more this whole infertility thing seems like a complete conspiracy.  No one seems to be governing anything, just pumping women full of chemicals, hoping for the best, and if it fails/the woman's body gives out, they chalk it up to "chance" or "being God's most complicated creatures".  I can't even imagine being $100,000 in the hole, 5 IVF's later and still nothing. 

I need some coffee.