I don't even know how to title this post

So there have been some interesting developments on the homefront.  Well, I guess when I say "interesting", I mean "heartbreaking", "hopeful", "frustrating" developments.  Interestingly enough, it's been so interesting that I haven't thought about infertility for over 24 hours, which is nice.  This is a long post, but I want to document, just in case things work out in the end. 

(Big deep breath in...exhale, deep breath out)
Brief history: J's cousin is and has been a meth addict for about 10 years.  She has had numerous children who have, subsequently, been taken from her and who she never sees.  She got pregnant again and showed up at the hospital, not having ever seen a doctor for this pregnancy and all the while smoking/shooting God knows what, in labor.  She has the baby, stays over night, and leaves--without him.  Obviously, charges are pressed, the baby is mandated to the state and is currently in the custody of a foster home. 

So I could go and get the baby right?  Wrong.  J's bitch sister ("bitch" actually doesn't even come close to what I would like to call her) doesn't tell us for 2 months!  It's not like we stay in touch with the drug addict, J hadn't spoken with her in almost 8 years.  But his sister lives in the same state and stays in close contact with the junkie's sister, so of course she knew exactly what was going on.  So the state has been searching for relatives to take the baby...but we weren't called.  (I will go in to how angry, violent, and disgusted I am at this at a later date. See post: My evil in-laws).  After I thought about it, I jumped on this just to see where I could get.  Don't get me wrong, we're trying and I would love to have a baby on my own, but the truth is, I really don't give a flip where it comes from. I mean it, bring a baby to my house.  No need to leave instructions.  I will send my husband to the store for some diapers and formula and we are set.  So, this might be the perfect answer to my prayers.  He is only 2 months old, born on Valentine's Day, and his name is James.  So after I cried about it for a minute, I went to work.  I dug around, made calls, and dumped my situation on any government worker who would listen.  Unfortunately, I started my search on a Friday afternoon and well, let's face it, these people are overworked and underpaid, and I'm fairly certain they're not staying late on a Friday night.  I left what felt like several hundred messages and desperately needed to hear back from the social worker on the case.  Apparently, everyone does and that's the part that holds up the process.  So after scouring the web for a good part of the night and early morning, here are the facts:
1.  James is in foster care and the people want to adopt him, but they are not related to us/him in any way.
2.  He has been with them for most of the time he has been alive, so that might be tough.
3.  We do qualify as relatives in Oklahoma and the state (and everyone else I spoke with) seems to be of the belief that it is in the child's best interest to reside with the family.  Yea!  1 point for us.
4.  The downside is the fact that we live in a different state, so we will have to get a totally separate agency involved in the process and this can take forever.  -1 point for us.
5.  The father does not want to be involved, but does want to see James in a good home.  +1 for us
6.  The mother has already had 2 children removed from her custody and she is still using, so her rights are most likely terminated.  +1 point for us.

And on and on and on.  We have a few connections, one in particular that is one of five top attorneys in OK who specialize in cases like this.  We are waiting to hear back from him because, supposedly, he can give us our chances of getting James and what the time frame might look like.  Another attorney seems to think we could file some kind of emergency kinship injunction and get him soon, but after the last 24 hours of researching, pleading, googling, and sobbing, I can't see it being that easy, nor will I count on it. 

I know this all seems pretty crazy, but I don't care.  Something is telling me it's right.  I just wish we had been considered from the beginning because he might already be here by now.  He might already know me somewhat and we could be bonding.  But life is always crazy when it comes to me, so I am hoping with every single cell in my body that we can get James here as soon as humanly possible.  I already feel like he's mine.  I woke up crying this morning because I have no clue where he is and whether or not he is actually being cared for properly and if he is healthy.  Fingers so crossed, they hurt. 

Where is the love?

1 dpo with intralipids

I think the thing  I am most shocked about during this entire infertility "journey" is how other people, namely my own friends and family, have reacted to it.  Some haven't even reacted, they choose to ignore it.  Maybe they don't know what to say, maybe they don't care about me, but it's baffling, nonetheless.
Family:

My 24 year old, punk ass, drop-out brother tells me that I just need to get on with my life.  He says he loves me and wants to see me happy and that I should "just adopt".  Oh!  I hadn't thought of that!  I should get online and order a baby...good idea!

My relationship with my mother is basically non-existent.  She is a narcissistic predator who couldn't care less about anyone.  But she knows about my struggle and does not say one thing to me about it.  In true narcissistic fashion, she has four kids, so who cares?  I even called her (which NEVER happends...blech.) and told her about the immune results because, at first, it looked like a Lupus dx and she has had some of the issues they asked me about.  She acted concerned for me for about 26 seconds and then launched in to this long, bullshit diatribe about how great her health is and blah,blah,blah.  Like I said, typical narcissist, aka Wizard of Lies. 

My pseudo-mother is the person closest to me and even she doesn't give a shit.  Sure, she'll ask me about it, but I have about a minute and a half to say what I need to before she either a) compares something I say to someone or something totally unrelated, or b) starts talking about her own daughter and her amazing will twins and how great they are, what funny thing they did, how many shits they took today, etc.  It's really great.

My dad hasn't said a single word about it.  He is a head case.  We talked on the day I was in the emergency room having a miscarriage and made this big production to others about my whole immune dx, but he doesn't say a single word to me, doesn't ask how I'm doing, and now, doesn't even talk to me...not because I've done something wrong, but because I'm sure he, like others, don't know what to say.

My best friend says nothing.  She'll listen if and when we actually talk.  Her phone calls got mysteriously less and less frequent when I got the "unexplained infertility" brand. She's not married, lives with her parents, and doesn't want kids, so I can understand why she wouldn't care, but it's still F'd up.  I mean, I am married, I don't live with my parents, and I do want children and somehow I'm able to be interested in her life, problems, feelings, etc.  She didn't even send me flowers or check on me when I did have the miscarriage. 

Other close friends say nothing.  There are several that know the situation in detail and don't care.  Why?  Because they have their own children and their own pregnancies to worry about.  They're the ones who give the great advice like "just have more sex", "just get IVF", "relax and don't think about it" and other priceless gems of sympathy and guidance. 

At this point, I almost wish something bad on some of these things.  I know that sounds gross and evil, but it's true.  I don't wish them harm or for anything life-threatening to come their way, but some kind of real struggle so they could get an ounce of perspective.  I mean, Jesus Christ, I don't understand how people can be so self-absorbed. 

Here's a taste of a text convo I've recently had with a friend:
Friend: "Are u mad at me?"
Me: "No."
Friend:  "How's the baby thing going?"
Me:  "Uh, the baby thing is not going as I am not yet pregnant."
Friend:  "Aw, sorry dude.  Can you come by and see the baby this week?"

And so the "conversation" goes.  Appalling.  I'm about to snap though.  I am about to send every person I know a master fuck-off letter, explaining their cruelty and selfishness and then I'm going to be done with it.  I don't care if I only have my husband at the end of all of this.  I know I won't because the infertility girls are becoming the only people I care to talk to, but besides that, it's been said that you know who your friends are when times get tough and well, I obviously don't know who my friends are. 

Good article from LA Times: http://www.latimes.com/health/la-he-my-turn-infertility-20110425,0,470341.story

New hopes and new fears

I cannot believe that I am only 3 months away from one official year of infertility.  Given my past, it's not only ironic, but cruel.  My lifestyle was my choice, but I feel that I have MORE THAN repaid the universe in just this year alone...my bank account has too!  Now that things are more on track, I am hopeful, once again, but still have that looming feeling that I may never see a positive pregnancy test again.  I think it's finally starting to hit poor Jason too.  We were in the car driving back from brunch on Sunday and the streets and parks were filled with kids and their Easter baskets.  We were, of course, talking about infertility, intralipids, etc. when he said, "why can't we just get pregnant?  I mean, really, nothing?!?"  I've never heard him say anything like that.  I feel like it's my fault.  Partly because I'm a woman and that's just in our genes, and partly because it very well may be.  I'm also starting to think that I need more testing done.  There's nothing we can really do if something insane turns up and we need IVIg, but we haven't undergone a single genetic test.  I think we have both agreed that we'll continue the intralipids for another 6 months or so, take a break, and then start talking about the strong possibility of IVF.  I sincererly hope it doesn't come to that because, in a way, I don't think that will work either.  So the battle rages on.  How is it that the years are slipping by so quickly, but my 2ww SLOWLY ticks by?

My Turn: What to expect when we're not yet expecting

My Turn: What to expect when we're not yet expecting

Great article. Wish I could text, fax, email and mail every single person I know this piece of literature. With the exception of my husband, I get little or no support and a ton of ridiculous and useless advice.

Positive OPK

It's the small things you have to celebrate when you're fighting infertility.  Hallelujah, got a positive reading on an OPK this morning.  Didn't get one after about 15 tests last month, so guess my Easter egg is on it's way.  So relieved.  I was trying not to think about it, but if that was screwed up, I am pretty sure a shooting spree was in order (not really).  Now fingers crossed for the next 10 days.  Should ovulate in the next day or two, J and I are in full swing, aspirin, intralipids take effect Friday, and fingers crossed for the next 7 days after that.  Come on, little Valentine's baby.  Or two, whatever. 

The sun is out.

And it wasn't yesterday.  What a terrible day.  A terrible, shitty, awful day.  Not for any particular reason other than what was going on in my own head.  For starters, I attended my first RESOLVE meeting on Wednesday night which was bittersweet.  It was awesome getting together with all of these women who are struggling and suffering through the exact same thing I am.  They have the same feelings, the same goal, the exact same disappointments.  That part is nice.  But on the flip-side, I look around and realize that I very well may never have a baby--none of us may.  I also have a terrible fear that they ALL will and I'll be the only one left behind.  We had three women who actually were pregnant, but were staying in the group until their first trimester, proving there is hope, but fueling my jealousy.  Side note: one woman shared her journey and ended the story by telling us that she was ten weeks pregnant with twins, which was great.  But she went too far when she announced that she would be starting her own "pregnant after infertility" group and then will go on to start a "mommy with multiples" group.  Uh, what?  I mean, excuse me, but did you NOT just hear the woman sitting directly across from you crying during her story about losing both of her twins, one at 7 weeks, one at 10 weeks, just 8 days ago????  How could someone do that?  I know, without a doubt, that, should I be lucky enough to carry a child and birth it, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER gloat about it.  Never.  What a bitch.  (sorry)

I have my own guilt about my past, mistakes I've made, my situation now and how small my problem is compared to some of the issues some of these women were facing.  Multiple failed IVF's, surrogacy hopes, age, cancer...I just couldn't shake it.  So I had a pity party yesterday.  All day long.  But today is a new day.  I just got my second infusion, which I'm actually considering my first after last months bullshit, and I love the nurse who comes to my house.  He is a big queen and he helps pass the time. No aspirin and no prednisone this month, so for now, my hopes are not high.  I am just hoping I ovulate on time, that will be a victory for me.  With multiple doctors looking at my profile, I have been told that there is no reason, whatsoever, stopping me from concieving.  I just need to get the NK and ANA level under control, so I still have some hope. 

Today I will be more joyful and more thankful.  One of the members of my group is not only 41, has 3 failed IVF's, but also lost her dad in December and just found out that her husband may have lymphoma!  When I hear stories like that, I realize I have no problems. 

Fresh from the oven. New cycle.

Thank you, Jesus.  I finally (FINALLY!) got my period on Friday and don't think I've ever been happier to see it.  Last month was a mess.  I don't even want to go in to how nuts I was going, but it was a mess.  My doctors office, and really the nurse, was harrassing me throughout this entire deal to come in and monitor my ovulation.  If anyone is looking for a good and aggressive salesman, they should call her, she is relentless.  Funny that I have never in my life had an ovulation problem and funny that they put me on what was giving me the problem, and even funnier that they now want me to come in and "monitor" aka pay $275 each for 4 sonograms to look at my follicle.  No thanks.  I never had a single problem before I started dealing with these idiots.  She also added that my doctor was "recommending IUI with the Intralipids this month"...this month?  Bitch, please do not act like you have had a specific conversation with him about me and that he has given some kind of special diagnosis.  He recommends IUI with Intralipids every month! And it's ridiculous to keep selling it to me because you can shoot the jimmys at my egg all you want, but it will not be around for long, once implanted, so give it a rest.  And I love the questions she asks me when I call to schedule the intralipids. Nurse: "Now, when did you end up getting your period?" Me: "Saturday",  then she begins counting like she has any say whatsoever on what day I get the intralipids (the doctor recommends giving it at ovulation, which is a huge crock of sh*t, and I insisted upon getting it when I wanted it and that gives them the major red ass).  I hate them.  I know it's bad energy to be negative and blah blah blah, but I hate them.  She talks baby talk to me throughout the entire conversation and I hate her. 

It's a new month, though, and I will get my 2nd infusion Friday.  I am not taking aspirin, so there is no reason to believe that I'll have any problems ovulating this month.  Although, if I do, I may rip my eyeballs out.  But no reason to think I will.  We'll see.

Cloudy with a chance of thunderstorms

I am an angry one today.  Partly because it stormed all freakin' night, partly because I had a 3-hour lab today, and partly because I am surely about to get my period and it's probably gonna be a doosey.  Damned aspirin! 

In other news, I was supposed to start my period yesterday, but did not.  But before you get too excited, please note that I'm taking 200mg of progesterone and this tends to delay it for a day or two.  I have taken 3 (lie, 5)  pregnancy tests and each and every one were BFN, of course.  Now, I am just cramping like crazy and waiting for this MF to arrive so I can have a glass of wine this weekend (first one in months!) and get on with my next cycle. 

Looking forward to getting out of this god-awful town this weekend.  Heading to Austin for relaxation, wine, and canoeing with J.  While the abortion/Planned Parenthood issue ensues, I will be basking in the clean air and warm sunshine of the ATX.  Thank you, Jesus. 

I have to be thankful I am alive today.  My childhood best friend would have been 32 today, she died at age 14.  I have no reason to complain about anything, not even infertility.

I have never been so jealous of a 2ww

That's simply because I don't have one this month.  Ugh.  I screwed everything up this month.  I am taking 200mg of progesterone just because.  I know it's not gonna help because I know I'm not pregnant.  My aunt, who is really more of a mother to me, told me that one of her friends was asking about me yesterday and that she really wished I would hurry up and have some babies. She also added that I would be the perfect mother and, get this, that my life would really be "complete" then.  Complete?  So, if I don't or if I can't, my life will never be complete?  What if I win the presidential race?  What if I inherit $345 million dollars?  What if I discover the cure for cancer?  You mean to tell me, after all that, my life will still not be complete?  Good god. 
I'm ready for this cycle to be over.  I can't workout because if I did and, by some miracle I did get pregnant this month (they would need to study me if I did), I would feel awful if I then lost it because of strenuous activity.  I can't drink, I can't have a cup of coffee.  I haven't picked up a cigarette in 6 years and I would even do that for some relief.  Can't do that either. 
I really hate fertility doctors.  I know, I know.  They're miracle workers.  It's just that I correspond with so many women who have seen countless doctors countless times and they are still completely lost.  Each doctor has a different answer or prescription for them and their so frustrated. 
And, would it be possible to, perhaps, put just ONE MORE billboard pertaining to maternity wards, best places to have a baby, containing cute slogas like "breathe easier", near my house?  It's not annoying at all.  Hell, maybe just put one on top of my house.  That would be great. Jesus, what an industry. 

Found: Egg waiting to release. Picked up at corner of aspirin and CD 17.

So pissed.  I have been taking baby aspirin for about 2 months and it F'ed me this month.  I have never, ever ovulated past CD 15 in my entire fertile life.  Well, this month I did. And I think I fudged the days to make myself feel better.  Either way I add or subtract, I will have less than 10 days of luteal this month.  I couldn't figure out why until I started researching baby aspirin and it's ability, in some cases, to inhibit ovulation.  Jesus. So I stopped takin the aspirin on CD 16 and, sure enough, all of the normal symptoms starting coming on and I am pretty sure I ovulated CD 18.  Why?  Because aspirin is an anti-inflammatory and the follicle has to inflame in order to release, signal uterine lining to produce progesterone, prepare for implantation, etc. So, my follie got somewhat inflamed, but not enough to release an egg so it just hung around.   I am angered.  This would be the month that I started intralipids and am in month 3 of a great diet.  And who knows what this means on pregnancy quality if it were to work.  I guess the bright side is that I don't technically have a 2ww...more like a 9-10ww.  I started progesterone yesterday in hopes of buying myself 2 extra days?  It just so happends that I started taking progesterone in November and December and my periods were 29 and 30 days apart, so I am hoping for a 30 day-er, but as anyone knows, I am never that lucky.  J and I starting "working" on about CD11 thinking I would O on CD13-14 per norm, so we were a bit sick of trying by yesterday, but he managed to put up a good and consistent effort, which pleases me. That being said,  I am so tired of all this.  I have no faith in doctors whatsoever.  I was instructed to take this every day with no mention of ovulatory issues, not even a caution.  I had to figure it out on my own and now I'm going to look like an idiot because I told them I wanted to do this on my timing and I didn't get pregnant.  F them though.  I am only using them for the prescription.  The minute I get BFP, if ever, I am going straight to my OBGYN for beta and beyond.  I will then write the master F off letter to one Dr. P and his nasty staff. 

So, scratching this month.  God, I need a drink.  There are few things I wouldn't do for a glass of pinot noir.